I Hate You But I Love You


Its 3:27 on a Wednesday. I’m currently putting off every piece of work I need to do at the office. But I felt that I needed to share my story. Because there has to be someone out there that is going through what I am going through.

I dated the love of my life. He was it. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. After 8 months of dating, I graduated college and moved and got a job. He was there when I moved to my new town. We spent my first summer out of college exploring. He helped me get used to being an adult. Paying bills, going to work every day, etc.  Everything was right. He was it. We were naming our future dogs and kids. We were being two carefree lovers.

And then it was over. The first breakup came out of nowhere. I cannot even begin to explain the pain I felt. I was sick. I lost 15 pounds (in one month). I didn’t eat an actual meal for 20 days. I didn’t go out. I didn’t talk to anyone. I was gone.

One night, I was drunk on a glass of wine at my parents’ house (because the only thing I could do was drink and with not eating, it got to me pretty quick). I worked up the courage and I texted this girl, Stacey that I met through him. She lived in my new town and used to date his brother. I was so afraid to put myself out there and text her but something had to be done. I had this new skinny heartbroken body, I had to at least TRY and take it out. So she responded, and long story short, a year later, she is one of my closest friends. She invited me to a yoga class for our first hang out. From there, I started working part-time at the studio and I made TONS of new friends. I started to feel alive again. I had plans. I had things to look forward. I had someone to talk to. I was getting over it.

Until that night. November 7th. Just two months after we broke up. Me and eight of my closest friends went out to a bar. And sure enough, I ran into him. This was the first time.  My heart sank.  It was like a movie. And from that moment, we were back together. By New Years, we were back to our old couple self. I was happy again. I had it all: boyfriend back, new friends, social life, a job, a steady income. It was cloud nine. But it was short-lived. It all started up again. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I became drawn into his control. And every reason we broke up in the first place came out. I lost the new person I became when we broke up.

And then he cheated on me. I’m sure you’re not shocked. I wasn’t even surprised. So now its two months later. I am trying to get back the girl that I was before him.  But I just can’t. This time hurts so much worse. It doesn’t help that he moved to my town.

So now everywhere I go, I see him. And when I don’t see him, I am looking for him. I go for runs through town just because I hope he drives by and sees me. I only go out because I hope he will be out. Everything I am doing, I am doing for him.

I see him out and I scream at him and cry. I get too drunk and I waste my days. I’ve gained double the amount of weight I lost the last time.  I am trying everything to get over this. But I can’t. I have a dream about him every single night. I can’t take this pain much longer.

I guess my reason for writing this is to let you know that you aren’t alone. Heartbreak is the worst type of pain. But it does get better. At least I hope so. I joined a few new clubs, made about 6 new friends. And I hardly have a night where I am not busy being social. I am exceeding at my job. I am making money. And everything is going well. Even though I wake up every single day sad, I am waking up. Even though I can’t go out without having to go home early to go cry in my bed, I am going out. Even though every time I make a new friend or join a new club and he’s the first person I want to call to tell about it, I don’t.

Someday, this will get better for me. And it will get better for you.