I Have A Confidence Problem


I also have trust issues. I worked in NYC as a middle school teacher for two years. I loved my job but I had to leave. I left for many reasons but one main reason is because New York had handed me a pretty epic ass whooping. It came in the form of my now ex girlfriend. I wrote a piece about her earlier, she left me for another woman after I came back from vacation. It took me about a year and a half, a new city, and starting a PhD program to get over her but finally I’m there. In that time I became a wee bit more introspective. I got time to think about me and figure out some things about me.

One thing I’ve always known about myself is that I have a very false confidence in my looks. I’m a recovering fat-kid. That means I used to be big, like 300 pounds big. I’m not that big anymore but in my eyes I look exactly the same. I, like everyone else, was brought up thinking that fat meant ugly. Growing up in Miami, that feeling is exponential. It’s ALL about appearance here. Substance matters but only at the very very end. Meaning while I’ve always been complimented on my charm and intelligence, it never got me very far in the love department. Even now, when I do get compliments on my looks, I have trouble believing them. Needless to say my confidence needs work.

I had worked to build it up but my ex deciding to leave kind of knocked all that shit out of existence. I also now fear distance. I mean mortally fear that shit when it comes to any sort of relationship. In my mind if me and the person I like are not in the same city I feel like I’m probably being played. They’re probably out hooking up with others while I’m being a dumbass thinking they like me. This is how I fuck things up. I become anxious, I worry about hypotheticals, and think that there is no way I can be the object of someone’s affection.

I’ve been trying to work on these two faults. Recently I’ve started to like a new person. She’s great! Independent, assertive, and strong. A full-blown woman. She demands respect and I love that. We met right before we both left for winter break, me for Miami, her for up north. We’ve only hung out twice but I still find myself worrying about what she’s doing and thinking that when I get back into town she’s going to come to some realization and tell me to fuck off. And now I’m trying my ass off not to fuck it up. It’s way to new. There is no reason I should expect her to only be into me. Plus she is way to intelligent and way to beautiful to not have other guys chase her. And even though I know that I shouldn’t I still worry and feel scared. Hopefully I can calm the fuck down because I know how crazy I must seem to everyone. I know what I need to do and that I should stop worrying over something so uncertain but its not that easy for me. I’m broken, I realize it, I’m trying to fix it, but I need help.

image – Keoni Cabral