I Have Some Burning Questions For The Wachowskis Regarding ‘Jupiter Ascending’


I spent the last 2 weeks trying to recruit a friend to see “Jupiter Ascending” with. Not only was I lashed out and reprimanded, but they also were resistant to bribery. They wouldn’t take my well thought out “Mila Kunis in space” pitches, my money, or my pot. Finally, I found someone who barely, just barely, shared the same piqued interest as I did in “Jupiter Ascending.” We saw it Saturday night. Here are my thoughts:

I would’ve turned right back around in the theater and watched a double feature of that shit. All of family and friends already hate me for it, but I can’t stop talking about “Jupiter Ascending.” I can’t understand it and yet I understand it better than anything I’ve ever encountered. It’s the worst ever and I would recommend it to anyone.

Eddie Redmayne

I need to say something about Eddie Redmayne. He is about to win an Oscar, you guys. Literally we are a matter of seconds away from the hashtag #EddieRedmayneOscar. He is about to win the greatest honor a straight white male in the creative industry could ever dream of, and yet…Every time he was on screen, the audience laughed at him the way a bully laughs at his prey. It was dark, you guys. Why was he whispering? Was he in a tragic voice box accident with the blade of Channing Tatum’s Air-wolf-Jordans?

If there’s one thing I learned here, it’s that Eddie Redmayne doesn’t give a fuck about you. That’s sure as shit. If there were an Oscar for not giving a fuck, Eddie Redmayne would win the 2015 Outstanding Male Doesn’t Give One Goddamn Fuck. Big Sean, where are we at on the pre-production of the MTV IDFWU’s?

Also, I’m getting the gif of Eddie Redmayne screaming “GO!!!!!” tattooed on my back. TRY AND STOP ME GRANDMA, YOU FUCKING JEW ELITIST (I love you Grandma I was just being big for my comedy, bae).

Like, yes, I hot-boxed my car in the parking lot of ArcLight Hollywood, but rest assured that does not affect my credibility in reviewing this movie. I have so many questions for the Wachowskis, like for one: did I even go see a movie Saturday night?

Subplot Fucking Central

Why did they try to cover every human phenomenon with, at most, one petty sentence per event? Like oh, the dinosaurs were just aliens that got murdered by 91-millenium-old space-humans? OH YEAH COOL, LET ME JUST TAKE THAT IN WHILE I’M HIGH. FUCKIN’ INCONSIDERATE MOVE, WACHOWSKIS. FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.

So the bees can sense royalty, you say? REALLY? THE BEES. CAN SENSE ROYALTY. Wachowskis, when have bees ever done goddamn SHIT for anyone? You could’ve said anything else: Dogs. Plants. Tables. I think dogs deserved this one. Couldn’t we just give dogs this one thing? Oh, we’re goin’ with bees? Yup cool cool cool.

Oh! AND. I love that one-liner from the Abrasax girl who was like, “no no no, silly girl. We’re not vampires. Vampires are just tall tales based off of our reality—which is royal space-humans living for trillions of years and harvesting earth-humans to sell in the Space-Dow.” THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE; BEYONCE IS JUST A PIECE OF MEAT IN A MUCH GREATER SPACE CAPITALISM SCHEME. BEYONCE DYING IS A SUBPLOT HERE.

This entire film should’ve been screening on a massive projector behind Miley Cyrus on her Bangerz Tour.

But- What- How Did This Happen?

How did anyone sign on to this movie? I imagine the pitch meeting must’ve been amazing.

STUDIO: Alright, whatcha got?
STUDIO: Here’s 50 million dollars.

And what about the twisted emotional manipulation that went into getting Channing Tatum to sign on to the project?

WACHOWSKIS: So you’re an ice-skating Matrix space-wolf who hooks up with Mila Kunis. Think “Blades of Glory” but it’s not a comedy and you’re good-looking and there’s no ice. Like “Snow Dogs,” but space.
TATUM: Do I get 2 see her boobs
TATUM: But Jason Segel got 2 see her boobs
WACHOWSKIS: Space wolf.
TATUM: …………Fine.

The sad part is: if this movie came out in the 80s, it would’ve been fucking brilliant. It would’ve been “Star Wars,” you guys. I know that’s a big statement, but it’s true.

On a positive note, the visual effects were phenomenal. If anyone deserves to come out of this movie with a shred of non-ironic dignity, it’s those visual effects people. I don’t know anything about visual effects, but I know those people made planet-do-thing-look-good-now.

Theorization Based On A Desperate Need For Justification

I think that “Jupiter Ascending” must’ve been the first ever screenplay that the Wachowskis wrote when they were 15. One Wachowski rolled over in bed and said to the other Wachowski, “ok, I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out: It’s a space movie that opens on a voiceover.” And the other Wachowski is like, “go on.”

So he’s like, “the voice is this quirky earth-girl who is like, the only earth girl who could pull off being quirky/basic af but also secret space royalty. Like “Hannah Montana” but her “Miley” is a Russian maid and her “Hannah” is Princess Diana of the Universe. So in her V.O. she’s like, ‘my parents always loved space, I totally love space, space is dope…’ and then we cut to her cleaning toilets and she’s like ‘WELL IT’S ALL BULLSHIT,’ solidifying her character as quirky earth girl who says curse words.” The other Wachowski calmly nods and is like, “keep going.”

Then he’s like, “anyway all this shit happens that is fucking crazy, trust, it will be crazy, and her name is Jupiter Jones and she like, has the biggest heart, and has trouble with men but whatever that’s all just Act 2 space bullshit. Then the last line of the movie will be her ice-skating through the air above a giant city, knowingly declaring, ‘I could get used to this.’” And then before one Wachowski could even finish, the other Wachowski was already banging pots and pans in the street screaming, “THIS WILL BE IT, WE ARE DESTINED FOR POPULARITY! AFTER WE MAKE THIS FILM COURTNEY MCKENNA IS GONNA LET US SIT AT HER TABLE FOR FUCKING ETERNITY!!!!”

Also, I feel like Will Ferrell secretly produced this movie, but not as Will Ferrell, as Mugatu from “Zoolander.” And it’s like the comedy of the century but it’s labeled as a drama. Really looking forward to how they handle this one categorically at the Oscars next year.

Realistically, my only criticism of “Jupiter Ascending” is that it should’ve been released on 4/20.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoCyL_Pqzu8&w=560&h=315]

#JupiterDescending2017. *clapping emojis*

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