I Keep Thinking About Yesterday

I know I should stop dwelling on the past. I should stop worrying about what happened yesterday because no matter how many times I reply situations in my head there is no way to force them to turn out differently. I know I should stop living in the past.

As much as I want to forget about the bad times, as much as I want to get over it, I can’t seem to find the strength to move forward.

I cannot stop thinking about my disappointments. I cannot stop feeling sorry for myself. I cannot find closure.

I am having trouble getting over the bad things that have happened to me. I keep asking myself why. Why did it have to happen? What could I have done to avoid it? Does the universe hate me? Is there any point in trying when everything falls apart anyway?

I have lost all my motivation. I have grown used to disappointment. I won’t let myself get excited anymore because whenever I look forward to something it never lives up to my expectations. I am always let down. I am always mad at myself for wanting more than I am going to be given.

I know everyone else is sick of hearing my complaints. They think I should be okay by now. They want me to shut up and move on with my life. I wish I could do that, but it’s not going to happen. I’ve tried and I’ve failed.

I don’t know how to accept what has happened to me because it seems so unfair. I wish there was a replay button. I wish there was a way to turn back time and set things right so this pit in my stomach would stop weighing me down.

I know the right thing to do is move forward, to forget about the unfortunate things that have happened to me in the past. I know I am supposed to say shit happens. I know I am supposed to act like it’s no big deal, like I don’t give a fuck, like there is no point in worrying about the past since it’s finished.

But I do care. I care a lot. And I can’t keep pretending everything is fine. I can’t hold myself together for much longer.

I cannot stop crying about things that have already happened to me. I cannot get rid of these feelings of sadness and disappointment and bitterness. I cannot find the strength to search for happiness again.

I know I’m going to be okay eventually, but right now, I’m not doing well at all. It’s going to take a while for me to recover. There are going to be a lot of days filled with tears and oversleeping and isolation. Before I find a way to heal, I’m going to immerse myself in sadness. I’m going to allow the emotions to take over because there is no way to escape them anyway.

The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing I’ll be okay one day — but not today.