I Know Exactly Who I Want And He Is Nowhere To Be Found


I know exactly who I want.

I don’t know what he looks like and I don’t know his name. I think that I’ll know his spirit when I see him. It will shine brilliantly and transcend all doubt. He will see into my depths and love every corner, every shadow, every sparkle and ripple. I’ll look into his eyes and see a home for me there – but not my only home, because he understands me and knows that first and foremost I must remain true to myself. This is why I’ll love him with every ounce of my being; he’ll ask nothing of me but that I remain as I am, and in return, I will give him everything he could ever want and more.

We’ll share a huge, unapologetic, messy and passionate love. I know it won’t be perfect, but it will be exactly what we both need. A true partnership. We’ll have each other’s backs through anything and everything, but we will always communicate with clarity, honesty and compassion. We will cultivate complete trust and remove any need to dumb down the truth. Most importantly, we’ll laugh together. There will be so much laughter in our house that those around us, jealous of our happiness, will mutter that we must be crazy. Maybe we are; high on the unfiltered joy that wells up when two people find a singularly beautiful relationship.

He will see the work I’ve done to grow and evolve and he’ll appreciate every tiny bit of it. He’ll want us to keep on learning together, to push each other to be the best we can because we believe in each other. He will comfort and support me, but he will also teach me to relax my serious nature. He’ll encourage me to play and dance and embrace my silly side. He’ll remind me that when someone truly loves me, I can be my exact self. It’ll be so easy and natural that I’ll finally understand why no one else worked out.

In turn, I’ll treasure him for his constantly inquiring mind and his rare emotional intelligence. I know how precious it is to find a man who knows who he is, what he stands for and what he wants. We will cradle each other through times of joy and sorrow, and I will finally feel comfortable letting another being see exactly who I am, all the weirdness and the ugly and the lovely as well. As he helps me relax, I will encourage him to delve inward even more deeply and explore all his facets and possibilities.

We will feel that we can discuss anything and everything with each other. There’ll be no strange silences, no holding back, no awkward fears or miscommunications. We will strive every single day to break down any barriers that could arise between us because we know that trust, honesty and communication are the foundations of the towering partnership we’re building. It will require constant effort, but with rewards so exquisite we won’t find it difficult to put in the work.

I’ll forever be fascinated by his singular outlook on the world, respect his fierce devotion to his moral code, and adore his embrace of feminism, nature, and the understanding that there is a much bigger picture than most of us comprehend. He will be my person and we will explore the world together as lovers, friends, playmates, and partners in crime. I will finally believe that I can show someone all of me and he’ll love me for every last bit.

I’m thrilled to understand what I want and need in a partnership. It’s taken many years of struggle and mistakes to get to a point where I know I will recognize it when I see it. Now, excited to find that person and start our journey together, I realize that he’s not around. Not yet. Maybe not ever, I fear.

I’m realistic. I understand I’m not guaranteed anything, least of all the perfect partner to share my adventures. I know that I’m strong and centered enough to have an amazing life on my own. I’ve done just that for years now. Maybe I’m so blessed otherwise that a compatible man is not in the cards for me.

That fear still haunts me sometimes. Anxious at the thought that I might never meet him, I am misguidedly hopeful about the potential of anyone I come across who sparks the least bit of attraction in me. It doesn’t happen often, especially now that I’m looking for something specific. Most days I’m okay with remaining patient and focusing on my life goals. It’s the moments when I yearn for love with every cell of my body down to my aching bones that are the toughest.

I know exactly who I want, but is he out there?