I Know The Man I Love Is Lying To Me, But I Can’t Let Him Go

Being divorced had left me emotional broken and in a hurricane like mess. What I didn’t know was that the coming future was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I got divorced a year back in June 2013 and boy did it feel good, my marriage was abusive and my ex husband was a cheater and unable to provide me the comfort of a family. Now that I think back, it’s good I didn’t have any children in that abusive marriage.

In August I was adding old friends on Facebook and came across my 8th grade ex and I foolishly decided to catch up. We had an instant connection and were texting all day and night. He lives in Australia so the timings were pretty hard but we both managed. I was so emotionally deprived of male attention and I wasn’t used to anyone being nice to me at all so it felt super awesome. We continued the texting calling until he came to visit his family in October and although he couldn’t visit me in my town we had the chance to talk more as we were finally in the same time zone.

He stayed until December and somewhere along these 4 months I fell in love with him but couldn’t be bold enough to say it. His family believes in arranged marriages and they got him engaged to a family friend’s daughter. When he told me I acted in complete support and told him to accept it and try and make it work with the girl. January passed and yes — don’t judge me — on valentines we both gushed up about our feelings and he decided he will tell his family to end his engagement on his next trip (he couldn’t do it on the phone he was scared the news might make his father upset).

Anyway, although we still talk it’s been almost 5 months and I had several incidents where I knew he was lying to me. Like, he went to a 5 day trip with his ex-and-present-girlfriend on Easter holidays. He was completely off the grid for those 5 days and even though he’s never told me she’s his ex, I know. I know because when they say a women can do better research than FBI it’s true. I found a lot about his past and I secretly kept using it to judge him. I knew when he said on 11th June that he has a night job, it was his anniversary date with the ex-and -present-girlfriend. I knew he was with her for an afternoon jog when he said to me he is out with his housemates. I knew he went on a road trip to Adelaide with her and not alone like he pretended to me.

I know I’m being fooled. I just know that he will eventually make his family happy and be a perfect husband for the girl his parents have chosen for him.

I just love his attention and time. We Skype all the time. We sleep and wake up on Skype and I just love how he is always there for me emotionally.

I haven’t seen him in 12 years but I’m in love with him and as stupid it may sound I don’t care what sort of twisted relation he has with his fiancé or the ex-and-present-girlfriend.

For the first time I’m being selfish and following what my heart says. 
I know I’ll be hurt but I want to enjoy whatever I have for now.