I Love My Boyfriend, But I Just Can’t Stop Cheating On Him

Post originally published on Reddit.com

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for over 2 years. I’ll call him Greg. Greg and I have a strained relationship. He is insecure and enabling. Basically a doormat, but he means well and does whatever he can to help me. He has mentioned multiple times that I am out of his league and has tried to push me away several times. But I need him. I’m very dependent on him.

I have my own issues with instability and have very bipolar-like feelings towards him. Usually wanting him when hes distant, and being annoyed/disgusted when hes too close.

We tell each other that we love each other. I help him and support him with money and in his work and school. I’m close to his family and his mom likes me. I shower him with attention and affection and I perform hardcore sexual acts on him often without him asking, all while feeling emotionally detached (usually). Sometimes we really do bond and share thoughts and feelings and open up to each other. But as soon as he’s not in front of me (or as soon as I’m angry), its like it all doesn’t matter anymore.

I’ve cheated on him numerous times. Often with my ex. I’ve hung out with my ex and had sex both before and after hanging out with Greg. I’ve cheated on him with a few coworkers, some close friends, and a guy I met online. I also text other guys on a regular basis. This has been going on since maybe a month after we got together. He is a jealous type and pretty openly feels threatened by some of these guys, though I’ve assured him that he has nothing to worry about.

Greg and I bicker often. Usually over something stupid and I escalate it just because. Maybe because I feel empty or something. I find myself uncontrollably guilt-tripping him, and he almost always falls for it. I get angry enough to scream at him and have gotten physically abusive at times (he’s had bruises and cuts), but then I feel like shit for a little while, apologize, fuck, then we move past it.

I’m also fairly aware that I abuse him emotionally in subtle (and sometimes very obvious) ways. Usually when I’m angry or upset, but sometimes I don’t know why. Maybe because its fascinating to see someone hurt in ways that I have. But I always make up for it…

He’s distant with me often and thats when I usually talk to other people. With each guy it feels like a new isolated situation and I feel like a completely different person. Whatever guy I’m in front of then has all my focus and its like the rest of whats going on in my life is put on a shelf and I’m emotionally cut off from it.

I haven’t used protection with the few guys I have right now but I got checked about 2 weeks ago and it came up negative. There’s been a few times when I’ve hung out with my ex (or the guy from online) and we had sex, then I later hung out with Greg and Greg ends up going down on me. But I never stopped him. And he’d mention how good it is and moan. I’ve had deep emotional conversations with him about how much we mean to each other, then a few hours later I’m hanging out with someone else and probably going too far sexually.

I’m all Greg has outside of his family, and he’s not even close with them. He also has traits that would scare off any normal girl. So he feels very strongly for me. And I try to be supportive and caring. I listen to him and help him through his life problems (his life has been so shitty so far). I help him financially. I’m compassionate and affectionate half the time…But then there’s this other side and so much more…