I Love My Eating Disorder

People talk about eating disorders like they are the worst thing in the world and always bad. But here’s a fact to consider, I don’t live in a vaccuum. I am out here in the real world. An eating disorder might be “bad” but is it really worse than being fat? Than being alone? Than hating myself?

Men want thin women. It’s just a fact.

You’ve heard the phrase, “good things happen to those who hustle?” Well, that is what I am doing. I work hard and challenge myself every day to lose the weight I need to so that I will be beautiful. Not just beautiful, untouchable. I’ll be the girl on Tumblr that serves as an inspiration for others. I count calories, I make sure I can make it to the end of the day on as little calories as possible without caving in and eating the entire refrigerator. If I feel I am going to give in, I take a sleeping pill so that I can just take myself out of the tempting situation.

When you’re even a little bit overweight, it is so easy for people to dismiss you. They may not call you fat or think you’re ugly, but they probably won’t think much about you as all. This isn’t a shallow thing, it’s reality and anyone who argues with me is lying to themselves. As a woman, if you want to have a great job and a great boyfriend, you have to be hot. I’m so sick of people pretending this isn’t true or telling me that I’m okay as long as I’m healthy.

People can’t tell if you are healthy by looking at you, that’s not what they really care about, they just don’t want to be culpable for the actions I take in response to their preferences. Which is weak as hell. If you tell me to strive for a goal, the way I get there is not up to you. Mind your own business.

Being a woman today is about guarding the control you have over your own life. I don’t mean this in the dated idea that eating disorders are about control, I mean this in the way that everyone thinks what I eat and how I live my life are up for them to determine. So what if I am unhealthy? Loads of people smoke cigarettes or drink to excess, or are overweight. It’s my choice to be unhealthy and not be in recovery for my ED. It’s no different than any other unhealthy person that has the right to live their own life.

I know the kind of life I want to live. I want to be happy. I want a man to adore me, not just say he adores me even though I am flawed, but really, really adore me. There are things I need to do to achieve my goals and I’m willing to sacrifice for what I want. Isn’t that really, something we praise most of the time? We certainly revere people who routinely go without sleep so they can work more, or people who work out past their limit. Why is it so hard to accept that I’m happy to do something people do in other forms all the time?