I Love You, But I Am More Than A Warm-Up For Your Future Love


We’re both confused on our gender, to be honest.

Biologically, we are both male, but the connection that we had ever since the first day we met tells us that we are headed for something that is different and deeper.

We had such a great time together. We talked a lot about ourselves and our fears and goals in life.

I was extremely shy to admit that I fell in love with you at first. After all, falling in love with another guy was all new to me. There was part of me that wanted to take the risk of telling you although at that time, I wasn’t sure about how you felt towards me.

Then I told you that I fell in love with you.

I was scared of what might happen, but you said you love me too. It was so surreal. Loving a person in the same gender spectrum doesn’t guarantee a return of favor. But what happened was so magical for me. I felt entirely new.

Just like any other lovers, we started to go out for a walk, watch movies, eat together, and talk like there’s no tomorrow. You grew inside of me.

You started to have roots in my heart, leaves on my veins, and petals in my lungs.

I visualized the future with you. I learned to imagine a lot. I could always see us in the books I read, in the stories I heard, and in the shows that I’d seen. You became every quote of love and sweet messages about eternity.

I love you so much that it didn’t matter that it consumed me more than what I could imagine.

I was brave to love you, even though this kind of love would breed hate from society and what it declares to be right. I was brave enough to have the courage to hold your hand while we rode in a bus or go to the mall together. I was brave enough to kiss you in the halls of the places we’ve been. I was brave enough to give you my soul.

You were also brave.

One night, you told me about your biggest dream – to build a family and be a dad. Everything sank. I cannot give you those things, sadly. You said that in the future, you see yourself with a wife and loving children. You see yourself kissing some beautiful girl whom you would invite to have coffee outside, kiss in the rain, and have sex with when the day comes. It dawned in to me that maybe, even though we have coffee outside, kiss in the rain, or have sex, you ultimately see yourself doing those things with a woman.

Every night, I am reminded of all the things that we did – all the hugs we gave to each other during tough times, all the kisses we shared every morning, and all the warmth we gave to each other whenever we make out.

I was forced to think of you doing it with someone else; someone you want to spend your future with.

Before, thinking about the future with you seemed to be the best part of my day. But now, thinking about it makes me sad. It’s so painful to feel like I was just a past time.

I felt like I was just a warm up for your future plans.

That you just needed someone to receive the steam from your body. I never thought rebound can exist first before the actual relationship. How cruel it is to tell me you love me and tell her your love her more.

You grew inside of me. You started to have thorns in my brain and the roots started to suck my heart, yet you still call me a beautiful rose.

I’m sorry, but as much as you want me to stay in the future, I have to abandon you together with my feelings for you. You can’t always have the best of both worlds. Choose her because no matter what I do or give, she will be the one to make your biggest dream come true.