I No Longer Exist To You


I can’t stand the fact that I no longer seem to exist to you. I used to be the one that made you laugh, made you smile, made your face light up like a Christmas Tree.

I have an overwhelming hope that one day you might come back to me, I have a hope that you miss me as desperately as I miss you. I look for signs in your face, in the way you greet me, in the way you don’t look at me.

I want to see a sign that you’re hurting as much as I am.

I don’t want to miss you any longer. I just want to be free of the ghost of you, lingering in my thoughts, the memory of your hand in mine, your lips against my skin.

More than that, I miss my best friend.

I remember thinking way in the beginning, before any of this, that I don’t want to develop feelings for you, because I had finally found a friend that just accepted me for me.

We all know how that turned out.

It was months and months of back and forth, over and under, topsy-turvy, bittersweet love.

The thought of seeing you every single day gave me a reason to get up in the mornings when I was at my most depressive.

The idea of talking to you just being a reach away when I wanted to cause harm was enough to ease the ache.

In the darkness, you became a spark of light, a beacon of hope, unknowingly you became my lighthouse when I was drifting at sea.

Maybe you’re wondering how I was able to forgive you so easily.

Maybe you don’t actually care.

It wasn’t easy. It was quite the opposite.

I will be the first to freely admit to you that I hated you with every fiber in my being. I wanted to destroy your life, I wanted to rip your hope away like you did mine. I wanted to break your heart into so many smithereens that it could never be put back together again.

I chose forgiveness for the mere fact that you had saved my life, more than once.

Do you remember how you once told me that I did the same for you?

You told me that I had given you a reason to live again.

You told me I had saved you.

I think I did quite the opposite.

I’m sorry I didn’t walk away in the beginning. By my doing that, I would’ve saved a lot of people from a lot of pain.

But I don’t think it was possible. You and I were obsessed, addicted and besotted with each other from the first time we started talking more.

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you.

A song I listen to when it hurts the most.

Lives go on, everything is spinning around me except for you. You stand still in my vision, you are all I see and all I want to see.

I am not what you want to see.

I am just a nobody to you now.

I no longer exist to you.

I am a No Name.