I Promised Myself I Wouldn’t Be This Kind Of Girl

I promised myself I wouldn’t be this girl. The kind of girl who get so broken when someone breaks her heart. The one that can’t function right when the one person she potential saw herself with doesn’t see it at all.

The girl that breaks down and cries every tine because the boy had stronger feelings for someone else. The one that lost control of their own emotions because of how damaged she felt.

I’m supposed to be the girl that had a good head on her shoulders. The one that is strong enough to walk away when she was supposed to. The one that was supposed to keep smile as if nothing bad had happened. The one that was supposed to move on. But here I am, crying in my bed at 2:30 in the morning and looking through his Instagram and torturing herself. Thinking about what could have been.

I’ve been burnt in the past before. I had my heart broken many times. But not like this. Not like this with someone I barely knew. Someone who I just started to date for a couple of weeks. Someone who I met on those stupid dating apps. But here I am, once again. I got attached easily with someone who I barely knew. And I’m crying over him because I’ve lost control over my emotions.

I saw the signs in the beginning. I knew what I was getting myself into. I had every opportunity to walk away, but I didn’t. I kept digging myself into this hole. I kept hoping and praying that this would have worked out at the end for me, but of course it didn’t. I was wishing for something that would never happened. I saw them. I saw them all. But I was blinded by my heart. My heart wanted to be with him. But my head kept telling me it wouldn’t happen.

I’m suppose to hate him right!? I’m supposed to upset for breaking my heart. I’m supposed to feel angry every time I think about him. For what he’s putting me through. But I don’t.

I don’t at all because I’m still hoping for the best for him. I’m hoping he finds peace and happiness. Even if it’s without me. I tried to hate him. Believe me, I tried. But my heart can’t because I care too much.

When you connect with someone, it’s different. You think about their happiness before your own. You’re not supposed to but you do. Or at least I do. I always think about other people’s happiness. It’s who I am. But at the same time, I’m not thinking about mine. That kills me. That kills me slowly. It’s something I need to work on.

What I need to do now is to let go. Let go of everything. How I feel about him, the memories I have of him, everything that involves with him. I need to in order to move on. It’s easier said than done but it needs to happen. The thought about it hurts my heart because I don’t want to forget about him. He made me feel a certain than no other person has had before. That’s why it’s so special to me.

But I need to in order to move on. Or else I’m carrying this heavy burden in my heart and it might affect the next relationship I have with someone new. And I don’t want that cycle to happen again. I’m tired of someone getting hurt. And I don’t want to hurt someone just because someone has hurt me.

To be honest. I’m scared. I’m scared of letting go. What if I won’t find someone that will make me feel the same way that he did or what if the next one will hurt me, just the exact same way that he did. And I shouldn’t be sitting here, wishful thinking that maybe it’ll work out in the future because it won’t. What chances are that he’ll come back? There isn’t any. I need to accept that.

So I can’t be the girl that I promised myself I won’t become. I won’t allow myself to be her. If I do, I’ll be destroying myself. I’ll become too damaged and too numb to even have a relationship with someone. I just have to let myself heal first. That I won’t become her. I won’t become her at all.