I Regret Acting Like I Had Forgiven You

I was wrong. I was wrong in the ways I pretended to be over the lies and the deception. I was wrong in the ways I let you believe I had forgiven you. I was wrong because now I can’t express how I really feel.

I have nobody else to blame. I thought I would get over it eventually, but the truth is that your lies stuck to my back like they has been sewn on and it makes it hard to live. I now struggle internally with myself because I still feel raging anger towards you and also, now, the regret of letting you think I was over it all.

That’s what I am. Regretful.

I never got over it because I don’t feel like you ever really apologized. I “forgave” you too fast to let you properly do so. I was so hurt, but also so afraid of a life without you because you had been a part of mine for so long. You were with me when my grandpa died and I felt like the world’s weight was crushing me. You were there the day I landed the job I worked so hard to get.  You were there for every failure and every big moment for years. I never imagined that you would betray me in the ways that you did.

Now, my anger boils inside because I wasn’t harder on you. I don’t forgive you. I hate you a little bit more every day for all the lies you told me as well as myself for letting you get away with it. I resent you now more than I love you and it’s my fault.

I wish I would’ve been honest about how angry and hurt I was and I wish you would’ve known the fear of possibly losing me.

I want you to know what it would’ve been like if I hadn’t forgiven you.