I Still Feel Like A Victim

I remember when he perched me on the table. I was 8 and clueless when he pulled my panties down. I did not understand it when he started touching, probing and licking.

I did not understand it when he asked me to lie on the floor and spread my legs. I was 8 and clueless. I remember him standing over me as he zipped down his pants and pulled down his briefs.

I remember being so confused, as he heard his wife coming home, as he asked me to quickly change back into my clothes.

I never told anyone exactly what happened. I don’t recall anything else but I think this has disfigured me for life.

I think I was 10 when we moved out and left our neighbor hungry for another prey.

I think I was 10 when I woke up from an afternoon nap, to find an old man suckling and fondling my breasts. I think I was 10 when I woke up to the same old man doing the same thing to my younger sister.

I remember when I was 14; I was on a public vehicle and a stranger groped me. It was dark and I couldn’t tell who did it.

I remember how a cab driver reached out and squeezed my ass before I got off. I was 15.

I remember feeling afraid. I remember how I confused reality from my dreams or vice versa. I am 24 now. I feel sick, humiliated and used. Something was stolen from me and today I am finally crying about what I have lost.

I have been molested and groped by different men at different places and at different times in my life. And now I find myself wondering, how do I let this go? What exactly am I letting go of?

They say talking about it helps. I have talked to a lot of people about it. It isn’t helping.

They say forgive and forget. Never.

I wish I could slaughter them all.