I Think It’s Time For Me To Start Having Crushes On Other People
By Will Sloan
Hey there! Glad you made it, great to see you, how’s it going? Yeah, brutal weather, eh? Hey, I’ve got us a seat by the window. Hang on, let me just put some milk in my coffee. You want a cream cheese bagel? Okay, I’ll go up and order it.
Now, I’ve asked you here today because I think it’s time for us to assess our relationship. To be blunt, we need to face facts: our best days are behind us. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I think it’s time for me to start having crushes on other people.
I can tell by from your face that you’re perturbed. Yes, yes, it’s sad for me too, but I think it’s for the best. We’ve had a good run — this was, without a doubt, my longest unrequited relationship ever, and I’ve gained so many treasured memories from desperately trying to get you to like me. Before I met you, I didn’t know the meaning of the word “commitment.” Y’know, I was a bit of a cad back then, crushing on people indiscriminately, leaving a trail of meaningless, two- or three-week unrequited crushes in my wake. But you were different. From the day we met, I knew what we had was special. I knew you were a girl I could harbor an intense, painful crush on for at least two or three years.
Wait, hang on, don’t leave yet, this is important.
And as for now? Well… now is now. Let’s face it: we were a lot younger when I started hopelessly pining for you. Those were carefree days. We had our whole lives ahead of us back then, and so much free time to go for dinner and a movie as friends before retiring to our separate apartments. Our relationship evolved so quickly over those early months, from smiles to nods, to handshakes, to hugs, and finally, to longer hugs. Heck, remember how I used to always invite you to this very coffee shop? How I’d call you up and say, “Hey, wanna go for dinner, or something?” and then going for coffee in the afternoon instead?
I know now that it’s time for us to move on, but this doesn’t mean I don’t still love you. It just means we’ve changed. To be honest, we’ve been drifting apart for a while now. What with my new job and your graduate studies taking up so much of our time, I find that I’m seldom able to spend entire afternoons waiting by my phone hoping you’ll text me, or wait patiently for you to come online so I could Facebook chat with you.
Are you not going to finish your bagel? You’re not hungry anymore? Oh. Well, in that case, can I have it? Thanks.
Before we make this official, perhaps we should settle on some terms. Just because I won’t be harboring an unrequited crush on you anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends – it just means some things will change. First, I’ll stop pressing “like” on all your Facebook statuses and writing “LOL!” underneath. I’ll refrain from posting profile pictures of the two of us that make it look like we’re dating, and I’ll no longer have to adopt a pained, weary smile whenever you talk about your love life, then pretend to have to go to the bathroom.
I can see you’re not taking this well, but please don’t leave just yet.
Anyway, I hope you won’t be offended if I’m also not scrutinizing your Facebook wall three times a day anymore, and while I’ll try to keep up with your latest profile pictures, I will perhaps no longer go through each and every photo album or tagged picture on a daily basis. I will refrain from scrutinizing the Facebook profiles of every new male you add as a friend, and every male who writes on your wall, links, and status updates. If I run into you at an event, it will be a happy coincidence, and not because I’ve looked up which events you were going to and scheduled my day around spontaneously running into you. I’ll stop buying vinyl albums of your favorite bands, and placing them in prominent places around my apartment. When I’m at your place, I’ll stop scanning your bookshelf, checking the titles, looking up some reviews, and pretending I’ve read them. I’ll also stop tailoring my wardrobe, hairstyle, facial hair, shoes, furniture, physical mannerisms, career choices, and vocal inflections around what I believe you would find preferable. I’ll put away the various pictures of you I have around my apartment and wallet, and stop using that picture of us at your friend’s party as my desktop wallpaper. Incidentally, now would probably be a good time to admit I’ve never really made it through an entire Douglas Coupland novel, and was lying when I told you how much I liked The Velvet Underground.
Having said that, I hope we can stay friends.
So.
Wanna go see a movie?