I Want A Man Who Is A Contradiction

1. I want a guy who is athletic and into sports. Someone with natural brute strength who is able to chop wood, build fires, and then mount my T.V. But I also want a true renaissance man brimming with culture; one who would gladly go to a Broadway show over a Yankees game if I asked him to.

2. I want a man to be ambitious, driven, and passionate about his career. Yet he needs to have loads of time at his disposal to spend with both me and our imaginary children. He’ll never miss a hypothetical soccer game or ballet recital, nor will he bring his work home with him.

3. I want a man with excellent taste and style–who takes the utmost pride in his appearance. But he can’t be a pretty boy or dress too well and he certainly can’t look better than ME. I mean–c’mon now!

4. I want a man who can make me feel like a real woman, to pick up the tab and open my door and pin me against the wall in moments of passion. I want him to be the provider and protector. And then I’m all like, Independent Women RE-PRE-SENT! I’m strong and self-sufficient! I don’t need no man– I pay my OWN damn bills! (Cue Destiny’s Child)

5. I say I want a guy in touch with his sensitive side, who is completely open and forthcoming with his feelings. Then I find this rare creature. At first I love how vocal he is, but eventually I see him as nothing more than a thin-skinned little baby who never shuts up about how every little thing I say upsets him.

6. I want a man who can be firm enough to put me in my place. But I also want someone who will love and accept me just as I am, temper tantrums and all.

7. I always claim to need a great deal of attention from my partner. I yearn to be put on that pedestal and eternally adored. Then I meet someone who is overly affectionate and complimentary; who is always at my beck and call, and immediately I feel suffocated and pull away. These seemingly sweet gestures suddenly become signs of weakness.

8. I want a man who is centered, focused, and even-keeled. Someone who can basically offset all of my erratic moods and lunacy. Then I get exactly those things and find him to be boring, dull and predictable.

9. I like neurotic Woody Allen Types. But I’m unable to handle the accompanying anxiety, narcissism, and prescription medications.

10. I want a man who is overly confident, entertaining, and charismatic–the life of the party. Oh, but just so you know–I have to be the Star at all times kthx.