I Want To Be An Illiterate Girl


After reading Charles Warnke’s “You Should Date An Illiterate Girl”, I realized that I often sincerely wish that I were an illiterate girl. If I could die, resurrect myself, and come back as a simple girl, I’d cut myself open right now. An honorable seppuku.

It’d be worth it, to be the kind of girl who doesn’t care. A girl who chooses her friends based on the brand of clothing they wear. A girl who sees vodka as a viable pastime. A girl with no expectations or dreams beyond her favorite ass shaking song playing in the club. A girl who doesn’t weep uncontrollably at the last line of A Farewell to Arms, or throughout the entirety of The Awakening. A girl who, to paraphrase and twist Warnke a tad, could accept a passion-less, plain life with no story to it in the least.

As it stands, I’m a girl full of disappointment. A girl with far too many far too strong emotions and expectations that most people can’t (or won’t) meet.

If I didn’t know that there is more out there, I could settle. I could see life as the board game; a one-lane road leading to an exact destination, broken up only by the required events. College. Choosing a career. Marriage. Purchasing a home. Having children. Carpools. Speeding tickets. Dinner parties. Holiday parties. Going away parties. Graduation parties. Retirement parties. Networking parties. Themed parties with a requisite lei. Parties where you don’t want to be there, but you go wearing a little black dress and smile and chat with women you’d hate if you had an ounce of passion in your useless body. You wouldn’t know the side roads, the dark underpasses, the detours. Those sweet fleeting moments in which you might find a small chunk of happiness or purpose, those moments that leave you addicted and jonesing and wishing that, for the love of God, you could keep them forever. Why can’t we keep them forever?

So forget fine literature. Forget brilliant music. Forget clever poetry. Forget softly falling snowflakes. Forget learning for the sake of learning. Forget forging meaningful connections with people who will eventually disappear. Take it all, and take the pain, take the trouble.

I’ve decided it isn’t worth it.