I Want To Read This To You

This is the first thing I need to say to you, and I want to read it to you rather than you reading it yourself because I want you to feel how much I mean it. You can say whatever you want to say afterwards. Maybe you disagree with everything, but at least I’ve spoken my mind.

I didn’t know how to put this in simple terms. My thoughts always seem to deconstruct themselves when they leave my mouth and have more clarity in my own head. So I felt the need to write a post, where my thoughts can flow with fluidity, just for you (you know who you are.).

I’ve known you for almost six months now, five of those where we’ve shared plenty of hugs, kisses and laughs. We’re both apart of a wonderful family of friends that can be just as annoying as they are wonderful. That’s what made the entirety of our attraction: the moments that we’ve shared within our small family. While we knew that a complicated attraction had maintained overtime, we resumed our own lives to the best of our abilities.

But to be honest, I realized that it’s not fair. It’s not fair to see someone you have so much love for — right now– not see the opportunity to take it when it’s offered. I realized all of this over the past month, when I felt the feelings were finally comfortably and publicly mutual. All of the bad things in life didn’t seem so bad and I knew I had the hug that I wanted when I needed it.

I know we’ve always been so up and down and feelings have gotten hurt. Our friendship was tested and I’ve grown to understand certain aspects of myself that I hadn’t before; however, I feel it is a trend that continues to resurface. “Being placed on the back burner” would be one way to describe it. I feel as though I am there only when you want me to be and you push me away when I want to stay. Quite frankly, I am tired of it.

What’s for sure is that anybody would be lucky to have me; I know that I am intelligent, capable and beautiful inside and out. As much as I try to instill that into your own head about yourself, I feel as though you don’t believe it. I am not here to help you or heal you, and I certainly do not expect the same. I’m here because I want to grow alongside you in the moment, but I don’t see you focusing through the same lens that I do.

I wish I could tell you to stop being so damn afraid of letting somebody good in and I wish I could tell you to stop being blinded by your own worries, but you need to be able to tell yourself that. As I’m writing this, feeling the heat from that back burner, I want to know what it is that you want. Do you want me back? My answer to that question is clear. With you, I’ve never been more comfortable with who I am and what I could be. I see so much inside of you, even when I see you’re in a dark time, than you see inside of yourself.

So please tell me, what the hell is it that you want? Think wisely about it and focus on what it would bring to the present, not the future. If you don’t want my affection, I know I’ll I find someone else to give it to — but would you allow that to happen?

I just want to breathe, trust and let things happen, but I will not allow myself to be played a fool when things gets hard. You know how I feel and no matter how shitty these talks are, they help me stand up for and be honest with myself.

So if you want me, tell me. If you don’t, tell me. Prove me wrong. Take a chance. All I ask for is clarity.