I Was In Love With The Idea Of You, But I Know I Deserved More


From the moment we first met, there was a spark I felt with no one else. It grew stronger each day as I developed a liking for the way you laughed and how it showed the dimple on your cheek. Those silly morning conversations as we walked through hazy air to late-night messages as the rest of the world fell asleep – with our souls just about to awaken. Despite me knowing that you will never reciprocate what I feel, I held onto the glint of hope.

I was in love with the idea of you but I knew I deserved more.

There was just something about you that I have not gotten used to, perhaps I never will. Your eyes shone with familiarity and your lips formed the sweetest smile but it was your heart that reeled me in. I’m not the type to feel these mushy feelings or write poems about just anyone I know. You were the epitome of all things so great that I fell under your spell, a spell you never knew how to cast because you were too pure for your own good. As much as you remained oblivious to what I felt, we were dear friends who took on the weight of the world hand in hand, unaware that I was ready to take it all for you instead. I spent years to learn about your fears and dreams, the details which make every inch of me burn with a flame that only you can ignite.

We were each other’s person, but you treated me like a best friend rather than what I yearned to be.

Painstakingly, a part of me accepted that reality and knew that it was okay. Yes, it was frustrating to think of you with someone else especially that I was there when nobody knew how much it hurt to see you in tears. All those times I spent deep in thought, to condition myself to let go as much as being with you made me happy. It was pointless to argue in a debate that I will always lose. I made my choice to stop pursuing the impossible but I never did once stop loving you, to an extent that I have already saved some for myself.

In this bittersweet life, I had mistaken a meteor for a star.

It was something I expected to prosper and shine in the sky, only to be taken aback by how it burned on the ground. There was a point when it seemed like I would never move on yet through this misery, I brought myself back on my feet. I realized that it was a matter of time and chance, that one day I too will meet the person who can reciprocate all the love I gave you.

And you did love me, not the love that I hoped it to be – but it was something I will be eternally grateful for.