I Was Only Your Temporary Pleasure


When I met you, I was sailing to uncharted waters with raging seas and winds so strong, they transported me to another world. Only those who are not in their right minds would have the courage to sail across that sea. But I wanted to. My friends kept telling me over and over again that it’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. But I saw a glimmer of hope in that stormy sea, exactly what I saw in you. It may have just been a speck of light, but for me that was enough. I was drowning in optimistic thoughts that maybe you could change, but I was wrong. I was so wrong that I was asphyxiating with pessimism the day you told me you love me, and I knew then that you only threw those words at me because those were the exact three words I wanted to hear. You never loved me. I was only there to fill the void—a temporary something.

I still wonder how you sleep so peacefully when at night I hold the broken pieces of my heart you crushed so mercilessly. Although it may have also been my fault because I placed my heart right in front of you thinking that you’d notice it, only to find it stomped around like my love meant nothing. I bet you don’t even know the magnitude of pain you’ve unleashed upon me. And truthfully speaking, I could’ve moved on a long time ago, but your actions hindered me from doing so. You had me dangling between your fingers because you kept giving me hope; you gave me signs that maybe—just maybe you were into me (or have I misread those signs?), that you can’t take it anymore and that you want to end things with her because you were swamped in misery and despair. But I loved you ceaselessly. Believe it or not, I came to realize this while I was watching White Chicks for the nth time.

Love at first sight may have given others the kind of love that they had hoped for’ instead it’s what it always has been for me: heartache. No matter how hard you or I try to justify our actions, we were both at fault. Maybe you were just “caught in a whirlwind of emotions,” and because I thought you were the one for me, I didn’t fully acknowledge the fact that I was bound to get hurt. I was the one who felt the earth-shattering affliction. You didn’t have to lead me on. But you did. And there’s nothing we can do about that now.

No matter where you are in this world or whoever is sleeping next in your arms, please remember this proverb, “The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.” Remember the fact that you cut me down into nothing, and that is the kind of hurt I can never forget even though you will. Carry it with you to the next world. Someday I will be able to forgive you, but that day is not today. Aside from all the pain you’ve caused me, I want to thank you for breaking my heart because if you hadn’t I would’ve been like Tom Hansen in 500 Days of Summer who fell in love with the idea of a girl named Summer, but not her; you showed me that I don’t need you to feel complete. Thank you for breaking my heart because you showed that I don’t deserve a guy like you nor the kind of “love” you’ve shown me. And lastly, thank you for breaking my heart because the pain I felt made me stronger.

This is for the guy I loved, but wh0 made me feel like I only existed to be his temporary pleasure. Because of you I may never be able to forgive myself for thinking that I will never amount to anything else.