I Watch You And I Wonder

I watch you from afar because that’s the only thing that could possibly count as healthy at this point.

I watch you from afar and think about the mess we made, the therapy sessions you’ve starred in. I think of the wrongs we wronged and the games we played. The words we used as weapons.

I think of the pain laced with ecstasy and wonder if there’s anything more addictive in the whole world. Wonder if there’s rehab for that. For you.

I watch you from afar and wonder if you watch me too. From arm’s length, from the safety of our own screens and generations and world views.

I wonder who we’d be without each other. Probably much of the same but with less of that hot pink cotton candy feeling bottled up & stored in a corner of our hearts.

I watch you from afar and think how easy it would have been for our paths not to cross, our lives not to tangle. I wonder if you regret the weave we wove. If you regret the way we ripped it all apart, jagged and terse and full of an ugliness we had in us all along.

I wonder if you know that you brought out the darkest and brightest within me. If you know that even my intentions had the best intentions. If you know how far off the deep end I found myself, suddenly lost without a life raft in sight.

I think of the shots fired, the bullets taken, the casualties we could’ve avoided. I think of the delusion that all made sense at the time, back when my heart was in full rebellion. Dark eyeliner rings and chipped nail polish and freedom with every windswept hair toss.

I watch you from afar and wonder whether I wish you the best anymore. I spent so much energy for so many years wishing you the best. I wonder if it’s a finite resource, wonder whether I’m finally broke.