I Will Either Love You, Or I Will Hate You


You know how when people talk about blue cheese or the Kardashians or country music they say “you either love it or you hate it”?

Well that’s how I feel about you.

I like to believe this is a sign of a love so strong, so intense, so powerful that it drives me crazy. Literally, CRAZY. That’s how it is in movies at least. It’s the guy who flies across the world to find the girl he made eye contact with in a bar 5 years ago. It’s the ex-lovers who spontaneously reunite one night in Times Square in the pouring rain. It’s passionate and fiery, a whirlwind of emotions.

And that’s how it is with us. There is nothing stable about our relationship, nothing secure or mundane, nothing middle of the road.

I loved you the moment I met you, when you first kissed me on the porch.

I hated you when I found you in bed with another girl.

I loved you that time you let me cry about my family and stood by my side.

I hated you the night you called me crazy, the night we thought I was pregnant.

I could go on and on, listing the ups and downs, the highs and lows. It’s never-ending, it never stops.

But that describes us perfectly, describes how no matter how rocky things are, no matter how exhausting it can be, our feelings for each other never die. They never fade.

I hate you so much at times because of how intensely I love you.

That’s why I stay, why I struggle through the pain, through the days where everything is gray and hopeless, my cheeks tear-stained with mascara.

Because I know that soon enough my tears will dry and the days will be sunny again, filled with your kisses. Days like the first day of spring when suddenly the world is perfect and beautiful and wonderful again. Days that erase the dark, cold memories of winter.

Our highs are as high as our lows are low. Perfectly bipolar, that’s what our love is.

And even though it drives me crazy, even though sometimes I scream at you and swear I’m leaving for good, I never do. Because I wouldn’t trade us for anything in the world.

I don’t want normal or stable or boring.

I’ll take the insanity, the roller coaster ride, the tears, the laughter, all of it. I’ll take all of it as long as it’s with you.