I Wish I Could Control It But I Still Miss You


For me it was never just a feeling, it was a choice. I chose you. I picked you and I thought you picked me back. If I had realized how I felt sooner, would it have turned out differently? On my birthday it began to dawn on me, it was the first night you touched me and it stirred something in me. I waited a month to admit it to myself and even longer to let you see how I felt. Looking back, I liked you all along.

My friends say I can do better than you. It may be true, but I’ve never met someone I could so easily connect with. Your personality was almost perfect. My sister always said I should be with a “Tony Stark” and you were. We were alike but also quite different. Our interests were the same.You were cute, smart, funny, and kind of a bad ass yet still caring. You listened to me and remembered. You teased me. Almost no one ever does. You actually got my film and TV references.

No one else ever did. You could quote The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. On what I think was only the second night we were out together you said one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. You said, “You should never be invisible. You’re pretty and you’re nice and anyone who sees you as invisible is an asshole.”

We had such similar interests it’s hard not to be reminded of you all the time. Even so many little things we talked about are haunting me now. It’s amazing how many pieces of me I shared with you. So many little things remind me of you, things that I didn’t expect too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the color of your eyes. They were the most beautiful blue I’ve ever seen. They were blue like ice or the color of the sky on a clear summer day. The perfect shade of blue. I miss breathing you in. You smelled clean. I told you this once and your voice rolled its eyes at me and you wondered what that meant. I couldn’t tell you then but I can now. You smelled fresh. You smelled faintly like lemon and something sweet, something sexier that I still can’t describe.

I liked who I was with you.

You made me feel safe and comfortable yet you were never dull. You talk a lot and I would listen and when I talked you listened. You made me feel almost “cool” to be the girl who loved super heroes and science fiction, who could casually quote The Hitchhiker’s Guide. I often feel awkwardly tall and boyish but despite the height difference you made me feel like a woman. I felt beautiful, intelligent, and funny with you. I have never felt that way with anyone. I was excited by the possibility of being with you. I knew it was a risk, but I wanted to try. I still want to try.

I miss everything about you.