If I’m Being Honest, I’m Terrified Of Liking You

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If you’re reading this, hi, hello, this is awkward. I’m still going to keep going, though. Because the thing is, I need to write to get this out of my chest. I need to get this out to the universe, and out of my head.

The other day, on your couch, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I looked at you, and I felt panic inside of me that I haven’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t a panic attack or anything like that. It wasn’t a red flag inside my head that told me to run. It was just a realization that I still had the ability to feel.

Maybe it sounds dumb, or cheesy, or melodramatic. But you made me realize that I could feel giddy about someone after so long of feeling numb. You made me realize that I could feel time stop again. That I could feel scared and nervous about ruining a good thing. You made me come to the realization that I could feel again…but that I could also hurt again.

And before that morning on your couch, I forgot. I forgot that I could like someone. I forgot that my heart could beat faster just from a glance or a kiss on the forehead. I forgot that I could kiss someone and not want it to stop.

You see, you made me have butterflies again. It seems like a tiny thing. Like something so mundane, it wouldn’t even matter. But it matters to me. Butterflies matter to me. You matter to me.

And honestly, it’s quite scary.

I know I shouldn’t be overthinking this or you or me. I should just go with the flow right? I should just let whatever happens. I should be chill. And cool. And calm.

But my mind doesn’t work like that. It means something to me that I get nervous before I see you. It means something to me that I get butterflies from just you holding my hand. It means something to me that sometimes, I really really miss you.

And I don’t want it to go away. And I don’t want it to go away, if you’re feeling that way too.

I’m terrified of liking you, because I’m scared that it will end. Or that you’ll change your mind. Or that it will stop being fun. Or that you won’t laugh at my stupid jokes anymore.

I’m terrified of liking you, because I’m scared of losing you.