If She Leaves You

If she leaves you, it will be ok.

As of now, you assume she never will. In fact, so does she. You’ve talked about it, and you’ve reveled in it. You are together for keeps. There will be no leaving. There will be no goodbyes. She’s not going anywhere.

Or maybe you haven’t talked about it, not directly. You’ve only hinted at it, hoped for it, felt it in your soul. Either way, neither of you can see her leaving.

But, what if she does? You don’t allow yourself to think about that now, or ever. You pick out curtains and buy plane tickets. You run errands and contemplate getting a cat. You gaze lazily at each other’s imperfections as you snooze on and off on a weekend morning. You love. You love for hours. You love for days. There is no talk of discontentedness. Everything is wonderful. No one has to go.

You fight, of course. Your fights stretch into hot summer nights, when sweat rolls down your face with the same ferocity as anger. You don’t always agree, and you are both strong-willed. There are nights where the rooms you dwell in are all silent. You sit in opposite corners. All compromise is refused. It is so quiet you can hear the mosquitos thumping against the windows. You can hear the sound of cracking faintly in the distance. Cracks can be filled, though. Every couple fights. The fights will not be the reason she might leave.

If she leaves you, it will be ok. I know it seems like she never will. She has given you her word, her body and mind. But bodies grow and minds change, and words can so easily be forgotten. The biggest reason you are certain she will never leave is that you love her. Your love for her explodes from your eyeballs every time you wake each morning. This much love, it can never mean goodbye.

She is incredible, and fits so well with who you are. You tell everyone, “She’s fantastic,” and take an extra breath as you say it, as if all of the positive descriptors in the entire world live within that extra breath. You could never fully articulate all that she is – and more importantly, all that she means to you.

If she leaves you, it will be ok, but it doesn’t really matter. She never will.

Then one day, maybe she does. Maybe – maybe she leaves.

There wasn’t a warning so much as a slow decline. There were little arguments that popped up much more often than before. There was a lack of excitement when she woke up and saw your face. Things faded. The promise tied between you faltered. It frayed. Before you knew what was happening, it was broken. A broken promise that tugged on the edges of your heart and urged it to break too.

If she leaves you, it will be ok. Of course, it will feel like the world is exploding around you. Her departure will be an explosion in itself. Words will fly and hearts will shatter and you will both cry more tears than you thought could even fit inside your body. There is screaming and name calling and a wild, frantic sense of defeat. If she leaves, it will be the most spectacular explosion you’ve ever seen.

Or maybe not. You might not be those kinds of people. Maybe the leaving will just be quiet. There won’t be an explosion of passion. There won’t be a war. One day, she will just decide that she is done. You will cry and you will fight it, but your words will not move mountains, and she was never going to change her mind. She leaves, hushed, gracefully. It was nothing for the history books. She just, left.

If she leaves you, it will be ok, but you will not be ok.

You will struggle to get up in the morning. You will break down crying sometimes, even though you don’t normally cry. You will look at the spaces she used to fill and ache. You will ache all over for some time. You will be convinced that you will never, ever, move on.

Of course, you will.

You will move onwards and forwards. You will be sad but you will find ways to get by. You will look to the future. Soon, The grief will settle. You will move on in the most beautiful ways. You will make art. You will help others. You will feel so much more than you did before, before she left. She left.

She left, but it is all still ok.

You will still not be ok though, because my dear, you will be better.

If she leaves you, you will not end. You will get by. Eventually you will thrive. It will be ok, and you will be better.