If Social Media Platforms Were Relationships


Who am I kidding. Social media platforms already are relationships. Overwhelmingly, they’re how we relate to ourselves, a hyper-real community of people, and the world at large. It’s some pretty chilling shit to think about, but duh, you already knew all that because the inherent nature of you being here reading this suggests that you are of the Internet. So supposing the social media platforms we regularly frequent were actual physical relationships–you know, like the kinds that go on dates and have sex–this is what I imagine they would look like.


Twitter is a new relationship. You’re constantly learning new things about one another, but are also only marginally invested; it wouldn’t take much to turn you off and send you chasing after the next hot piece of ass you see. A Twitter “like” is the equivalent of casually hooking up, but an RT would be looking into each other’s eyes while doing so–the promise of something beautiful beginning.


Facebook is a very old relationship that you’re essentially stuck in, but not totally happy with; it’s completely habitual and embedded with a history you’re too afraid to completely abandon. You also have a lot of mutual friends, and having to explain to them why you broke it off just seems like more of a headache than it’s worth.


Talk about a relationship of convenience; calling it a “relationship” in the first place is just a thinly veiled attempt to justify to yourself that you’re banging your boss in order to get a promotion.


Tumblr is an emotionally abusive relationship, where both partners are cruel and manipulative, and yet the highs are so glorious and laughter filled that both just keep coming back for more.


This is the most spew-worthy couple you’ve ever seen in your life. All they do is bake cakes and go shopping for puppies. Don’t even get my started on the super cutesy PDAs.


Something you’ve probably only seen on Shock Docs, Instagram is a feeder. Yeah that’s right. This is a relationship between someone who fetishizes fat people and a fat person, with the former pushing copious amounts of food out and the latter eating it up, the equivalent of a like.

Snap Chat

Snap Chat is less of a relationship and more of a guy behind some bushes at the park, flashing you his dick.


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Remember when your friend got that new girlfriend and at the first party she came to everyone was really excited about her because she was so charming, but then at each subsequent social occasion she pretty much did the same thing, and you all realized how banal she really was? Vine is an easily forgettable ex.


Google+ is an unrequited love, where one party will push and push, and yet receive no attention in response to their advances.