If ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ Were Scripted: “Oh, Faye.”


Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

We resume at THE AGENCY’s let’s-force-a-condo-down-your-throat event where the couple MALOOF is attacking BRANDI for her gossipy comment that cannot be talked about specifically lest the MALOOFS will sue. We learn that BRANDI possibly sleeps until three o’clock in the afternoon leaving her boys to listen to all the LeAnn Rimes country Christmas music they want!

There is some carefully crafted name calling during the fight like MALOOF’s great set up and punch line: “[Brandi’s] crazy; she’s full of drugs!” Slam dunk! The couple MALOOF high fives and leaves the scene because they are “done.” What MALOOF doesn’t understand is what being “done” means. We all know she’s not “done”; she’s just warming up for suing season! Make sure you catch MALOOF on her new spin-off “You’ve Been Served,” where she invites a good friend over to play tennis and before they know it, they’re in a totally different kind of court than they expected!

Following the confrontation, TAYLOR keels over realizing she forgot to wear a tank under her see-through blouse. She also has gas. DWIGHT slips her a Gas-X, not realizing it should not be mixed with the combo of prescriptions she’s on, and it makes her have a weird emotional reaction to something she’s not involved in. But honestly, she’s worked too damn hard for this zip code so she’ll hustle through it while using correct grammar. Yes, this is the episode where TAYLOR says “whom.”

There’s also the passive aggressive fight between KIM and KYLE going on. See, KIM telling the couple MALOOF about BRANDI’s comment about that thing we can’t talk about completely undermined KYLE’s right as resident mean girl to be the one to stir the pot. KYLE actually believes that KIM being sober makes her a less lucid decision-maker. Here’s to KYLE supporting KIM’s sobriety!

KYLE and CAMILLE confront BRANDI about the whole MALOOF issue and BRANDI and her friend DARIN, who has a sock stuck in his throat or something, stuffs a couple wine glasses and chicken kabobs in his pocket as they exit the party.

Another day on the sunny grounds where the rosé flows like water, VANDERPUMP takes great care of her husband post surgery. Meanwhile, KIM and her daughters, KIMMY JR. and KIMBERLY III, do some Pilates and talk about Kim Sr.’s upcoming trip to Vegas, which will certainly test her will. Meanwhile squared, MAURICIO and KYLE have a staged dialogue regarding BRANDI v. MALOOF. MAURICIO must have some money tied up with the couple MALOOF because he makes such a point to take their side. But, too bad, MAURICIO, KYLE already invited BRANDI to her dinner party.

Wearing a bright pink top just perfect for her skin tone, KYLE meets good friend and HOUSEWIFE-in-residence, FAYE RESNICK. KYLE spills the beans about the BRANDI situation as FAYE takes careful mental notes so she can corner, kill and hopefully eat BRANDI at the upcoming dinner party.

Following a plug for Vanderpump Rules, we finally see YOLANDA. She’s working out because she’s jealous of her hot daughter. At this point, we’re supposed to question why YOLANDA replaced CAMILLE, who’s had more — and more interesting — screen time than the former.

Finally, it’s time for KYLE’s dinner party. She dresses like a chandelier to pair with GLENN’s hot mess of a four-course meal because he does not understand these women only eat low carb. The HOUSEWIVES arrive and the traditional festival of compliments and kisses commences. BRANDI wears a body suit that, if KYLE were to bump into her, would give her a face full of breast.

The women then embark into the almost-finished dining room for an awkward dinner. Let’s hope that dining room is almost finished because it’s about to pop. Let’s also hope someone’s not allergic to latex because everyone in the kitchen was wearing surgical gloves. KYLE raises her glass in the most poignant and heartfelt speech we’ve heard from her about the interior design feat she’s just almost completed, thanks to FAYE. She then shits on her sister KIM. Also, RIP Donna Summer. We can all feel better knowing YOLANDA was there. Or do we?

KYLE brings up the MALOOF situation, BRANDI says something kinda mean and FAYE, who’s been warming up in the bull pen for three days, is ready to strike. Pretending she doesn’t know what’s happened between MALOOF and BRANDI, FAYE prods BRANDI into telling her what the root of her problem with MALOOF is and then barks back with the curveball she’s been planning on throwing all night: FAYE’S STEP DAUGHTER/S DATED MALOOF’S BROTHERS. GOT YOU BRANDI!!! Did FAYE just reveal her age? Either way, FAYE thinks this makes her the winner and now she takes on the role as the fairy tale cruel step-mother, “Don’t you want to be the bigger girl?” SHUT UP, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM!

Before dinner concludes, a beautiful round of an original song “Send Flowers” is sung by the HOUSEWIVES. Here are the lyrics:

Send flowers.

Send flowers.

That’s the good thing to do.

Send flowers.

Send flowers.

Say you regret what I said

To you and Paul,

who you’re divorcing.



Send flowers.

Or an orchid.


BRANDI declares she’s not sending anything to MALOOF. In this world, as we learned in episode one of this season, you must must must send flowers to mend a wrong. FAYE, taking on new role as biased junior high social worker, makes sure BRANDI knows she’s a bad girl and needs to be punished. A random lady at the dinner — no one seems to know anybody at this dinner party — sticks up for BRANDI. Finally. BRANDI makes the right move to get the hell out of there.

FAYE should send BRANDI flowers, no?

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