If ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ Were Scripted: “Brooks is Back! And He’s Hungry!”


Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Orange County that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

We begin where every great story should start: brunch. TAMRA and HEATHER wine and dine LYDIA because they want her to join their sorority and not the weird Christian one across the street. LYDIA proves herself to be the most interesting orderer when she gets the chicken curry while the other ladies order some predictable breadless beef basket.

It’s hard to understand why TAMRA and HEATHER hate ALEXIS so much in the way you’d hate someone for stealing your dance move that goes culturally viral and taking all the credit for it!  Yes, ALEXIS is easily one of the most annoying people on television, but like TAMRA says “she’s a little puppy.” But no, TAMRA, ALEXIS THE PUPPY doesn’t shit on your floor on purpose; she shits on your floor because she felt a strange sensation right above her butt hole and she followed it home because she thought it was God talking.

Now let’s stop hearing about ALEXIS and actually see her in action! She and CULT LEADER JIM are preparing for bed. Or at least ALEXIS is taking off her lashes and rubbing her makeup off while CULT LEADER JIM is shaving for…God? God gives the best dreams to boys who are clean shaven in bed! Either way, we get a wonderfully time-travel gone wrong wish from ALEXIS and an ever better incorrect lesson in what the definition of insanity is from CULT LEADER JIM: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.” Um, actually MR. SCARY CULT LEADER,  ALEXIS was right the first time.

ALBERT EINSTEIN is rolling in his grave (minus his brain) wishing his present self could go back and tell his past self  to take a hot bubble bath, girl—and also to punch CULT LEADER JIM in the face for misquoting him.

On to the next couple of the year, VICKI and her son-in-law, RYAN. As RYAN helps VICKI put a baby seat in her car, VICKI tries to go back on her promise to not allow BROOKS in the house while the kids are living with her. Her tactic is to pretend not to hear RYAN’s rebuttal. It’s really just the boring scene in a musical that comes before the breakout balad. In this case, it’s VICKI’s heart on her sleeve number “I Want That Choice,” which she sings with such raw emotion of yearning and desire that it doesn’t matter that she was never singing at all. And jeez, RYAN seems like such a rational, normal guy. Please, Housewives, don’t ruin him.

And finally we get to meet LYDIA’s hot pot smoking glitter-dusting mother, JUDY! The whole dynamic is almost more interesting than anything else. Sure JUDY’s a “hippie” who has smoked an unknowable amount of marijuana, but she’s also a super rich consumer of luxury goods who has a plastic surgeon. It’s one thing to “have a gynecologist.” It’s another to “have a plastic surgeon.”

JUDY is just so different from LYDIA it makes one wonder where and when LYDZ found JESUS. Isn’t there some verse in the Bible about how “Thou shalt not use glitter because it’s kinda gay and we know my stance on that…or do we?” The contradictions make for a very interesting character. We’ll just have to wait and see if JUDES can keep her promise to stay off the bong so she can watch LYDIA’s kids. Soberly.

At an overpriced exercise clothes boutique, THE ACTOR FORMALLY KNOWN AS HEATHER forwards her breast implant storyline–look! she’s acting! She’s pretending she hasn’t already made the appointment to perk up her boobs. The only thing she’s probably not planned yet is whether TERRY can pop in some implants while watching the kids!

And just as she’s really honing her acting skills, THE ACTOR FORMALLY KNOWN AS HEATHER  gets a phone call from her agent for a straight-offer part in Hot In Cleveland! Looks like THE ACTOR FORMALLY KNOWN AS HEATHER has to go into retirement to become THE ACTOR KNOWN AS HEATHER.

And finally…we see the man from Mississippi himself, BROOKS. He’s so creepy. And no, BROOKS, getting to the restaurant five hours early and deciding to order the steak Diane does not constitute a “busy day.” BROOKS is pissed because VICKI’s choosing her kids over him and he wants to go to that really nice beauty salon to get a $100 haircut on her dime. I wish they didn’t edit out the part where VICKI paid for dinner. Also, did anyone notice how it was Christmas time with BROOKS/VICKI dinner and pre-All Hallow’s at the pumpkin patch?

WINES BY WIVES is a thing that was kinda mentioned last season but was overshadowed by BRIANA’s sudden marriage. Oh, and it’s also a thing that VICKI doesn’t really have time for but TAMRA, EDDIE and FRANKIE DO. Basically the scene works to set up a trip for the housewives to take for some mmmm wine tasting by some wives!!! Such a clever name, ladies.

TERRY and HEATHER head to a family dinner at some place named Zov’s where TERRY makes it known that being a mom is nothing compared to slicing people up and carving down their noses to look like his and then doesn’t  give HEATHER’S exciting Hot in Cleveland news the reaction she expects.  HEATHER gets passive aggressive and TERRY realizes he’s stepped in some puppy shit (ALEXIS?). TERRY then proceeds to freak out because the fight is on camera. It’s pretty great. Also, more MAX! That little girl seems awesome.

And finally, we must ask ourselves: What if you have one life and you like don’t work it right? LYDIA??!?!


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