If You Slow Down Justin Bieber By 800 Percent, You Get Art


Justin Bieber is, of course, America’s favorite musical Monchhichi slash sentient shade of bland that has come to life type of… thing. Also, his songs work on two levels:  sugary treacle and the soundtrack for your next and greatest cult-based suicide pact, so, double-threat right here.

But lately, Justin has been on a bit of a losing streak, what with having drugs found on his tour bus, being slapped with a paternity suit, cursing out and trying to fight the paparazzi, and being seen in a “late-period Michael Jackson-ish” creepy ski-mask-slash-fedora ensemble. …Also, there was the little matter of his Anne Frank-based faux pas, wherein the Biebs visited the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and signed the guest book with the following words: “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” Which was pretty insensitive, and managed to piss Europe and the rest of the world off, because of course obviously, duh, Ms. Frank would have been a One Direction girl I mean come on now people.

What Justin needs is to slow-www the fuck down — especially since he’s reaching that no-longer-cute phase where he less resembles a Monchhichi and more resembles, well, a typically irritating and assholish self-absorbed nineteen year-old. So slow it down, J. Bieb. Just slow it all down.

And luckily, the slowing of Justin down has been accomplished for us. While all right-thinking people hate Mr. Bieber’s music (even the teenage girls seem to be in it mostly for the bangs), there remains a way to make the music of Justin Bieber palatable.

And thus, the non-terriblifying of Justin Bieber has now been accomplished by producer Nick Pittsinger, who ran the single “U Smile” through a music editing program called PaulStretch — and thereby slowed the song down by 800% — in the process stretching out “U Smile” to an insane 35-minute run-time.

And the result is… amazing. It turns out that slowing a J. Bieb song down in this way creates a burst of unexpected art — a trance-like epic that’s reminiscent of, say, Sigur Rós or Brian Eno. This is either a clear indication of the greatness that lies deep within Justin Bieber, or an indication that you can make anything good via fucking around with song-editing software. Either way, the new “U Smile” approaches the level of awesomeness, and it just might make a tentative Belieber out of you.


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