I’m Afraid Of A Future Without You

I dreamt about you again. After 9 months, I still dream about you, leaving me, coming back, then choose her again. I keep on trying to pursue happiness without you but I still end up dreaming about you, what happened and what could’ve been. If you only just stayed strong and chose to be loyal and faithful to our promises, to our future.

My life revolved around you for 7 years. All the decisions I made was for you, for us, for our future. We were each other’s rock. We support each other’s goals and dreams. Your happiness was my happiness and I’m happiest when I know I’ve made you happy. However, my recent happiness made you mad, sad and spiteful. My growth as a woman, as a human being, as a professional made you feel bad about where you stand in my life. You told me you’ve never seen me happy like I am in photos with my friends but maybe that’s because you focus more on the happiness I give you than the happiness I feel when I’m with you.

You tell me I chose to lose you, but I held on for dear life for you to choose me, to choose us instead of your ego and pride. I begged and pleaded for you to not leave me and I gave you the space you needed because you said so. I waited till your anger subsided, but it never did. You were angry because I was happy, you were angry because I pursued grad school, you were angry because I didn’t want to quit when you demanded that I should. After everything that I have done to get you back, you still blame me for not doing enough. It was all my fault.

I’ve been afraid of changing my life and my future without you but I had to choose to finally walk away because I deserve the happiness I’ve been trying to give you. I didn’t deserve to be treated poorly when all I did was give you everything that you needed. I was always ready to be what you needed, but when the time came that I needed you, you couldn’t do it for me. I should accept that now, but I’m still learning how to live my life without you, I’m still learning how to wake up and not wanting to hear your voice, not looking forward to sharing my day with you. It may take some time to get used to but I promise you, I will. I’m still learning and grieving because the hardest thing I’ve ever done is to walk away while I still love you.