I’m More Afraid Of You Now Than Ever Before


how naive of me
to believe
the sun was setting for us

how silly of me
to believe
the leaves would finally fall for us

i close my eyes
for the light is too blinding
and i feel the steam on my skin
and i feel my fingers burning off with every keystroke
just as they did before,
when i was nothing but lifeless & heartless.
just as they did before.

my skin was widening & reddening
and i couldn’t hide from my pixelated demons.
i couldn’t hide from the truth plastered onto bricks in every borough.

it was in those vulnerable moments i realized what i was doing.
i was spilling coffee
and tripping on sidewalks
and bumping into the walls i built for myself.

i was so afraid of you and your sharp edges.

i visit you in my dreams
and you talk to me in songs
each sentence is a bridge taking me closer
to the city that you are.

i knew each ocean would bring you to me
and i would see you on every busy street.

the tourists would stop and stare
at the blue roses growing in the middle
of the sidewalk.

they felt our telepathy
and would catch us in our silhouette dreams.
i kept on blushing
and tripping
and falling
bruising every inch of my skin just for one thrill.

the societal pressure
was falling behind
the beating of my heart
but i couldn’t fight it any longer.

you’re more than a person
you’re an entire city.

do you know?

i’m not going to throw around more or less than three words
i cannot sugar coat something that already has so much flavor.
i can’t say much
but we both know.

for it is the draíocht that brought us together.
the childlike wonder and effortless connection
the poetic conversations between just us,
but we knew the stars aligned elsewhere.
(we can’t deny it any longer.)

do you know?

my feet are in the sand and my heart resides in each and every ocean,
wavering it’s way to you
holding your depth inside of it
but when i look up, i remember why you hated swimming.

and i remembered why i let go of my fear of all that’s blue.
i looked in her navy arms and told her to never let me go,
because i couldn’t walk on two feet
on crowded streets with you

i’m more afraid of you now than i ever was.