10 Reasons I’m Not Batman


I’m not a billionaire.

There’s only one way to finance an anonymous, worldwide crusade against evil, and that’s using the resources of a multi-billion dollar corporation. If I had that much capital, you know I’d just spend it on partying, clothes to wear while partying, and travelling to exotic parties.

My parents aren’t dead.

The most essential part of Batman is the tragic murder of his parents in front of him – it’s what drives him to devote his time, money and life to constant pain and a never-ending fight against crime. My parents (thankfully) are just divorced. There’s some angst there, but not enough to wage a one-man war. Maybe enough to like, self-sabotage a couple relationships in my early twenties, or binge on junk food once in a while.

No utility belt.

Like most guys, I’ve always got my keys, wallet, phone. Batman’s more like… handcuffs, knockout gas, handheld access to city’s entire power grid.

No Batmobile.

My 2001 Nissan Altima is pretty resilient. It’s had both side view mirrors knocked off twice. Probably couldn’t survive a rocket blast.

I don’t live in Gotham City.

Batman is known for battling it out in the mean streets of Gotham. I live in Minneapolis. People here won’t actually beat you to death – they’ll just passive-aggressively beat you to death.

No Robin.

I definitely couldn’t afford to keep a kid around, let alone send him to private school and karate lessons. I could teach him how to make a mean cup of coffee… and then he could like… pour it on bad guys?

No Bat Cave.

I’ve got my own personal work space, but it’s not hidden underneath my house. Any bad guy could just follow the trail of empty beer bottles and used dishes and sneak up on me in my office.

No butler.

I wish! Alfred keeps Batman’s gadgets working, his suits in order, and is there for medical emergencies. My servant would probably just keep busy by picking my clothes up off the floor and sorting my record collection.

No Batcomputer.

Downloading the new Drake album? I’ve got you covered. Hacking the Police Department’s servers? Not so much.

No rogues’ gallery.

Batman’s mortal enemies are countless, from the Joker and the Penguin to Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze. I’ve got that one dude I never want to talk to but always run into at parties, and the homeless guy who harasses people on the bus.