I’m Not Going To Pretend Not To Care Anymore

I wasted so much time trying to make it look like I could not care less about you. I didn’t want it to seem like I was obsessing over you so I swung the opposite way. I acted like you meant nothing to me. I would space out the time between our texts. I would tease you about the way your new haircut looked or the way you kept screwing up your grammar instead of saying what was actually on my mind (I like you, I like you, I like you).

Whenever our conversations turned serious, I would make a childish joke or drop a sarcastic comment. I would steer us away from anything real because I was worried about our relationship shifting.

Even though I made it seem like you were the kind of person who slipped from my mind the second you left the room, you actually lingered there. I would replay our conversations. I would read through our old messages. I would try to guess what you were thinking when you looked at me even though I could never tell.

Maybe you’ve always had a hint about how I feel. Maybe it was easy for you to see through my walls. Or maybe you bought into my act and are completely and utterly clueless about my feelings.

Either way, I am not going to pretend not to care anymore. I am not going to erase messages to you out of fear you won’t want to hear from me. I am not going to hesitate before pressing send. I am not going to delete you from social media. I am not going to give you incentives to leave me alone.

It doesn’t matter if you know how much I like you. In fact, I want you to know how much I like you. Call me clingy. Call me desperate. Call me crazy. I don’t care. I just want you to know the truth.

I am sick of pretending you never cross my mind when, in reality, you never leave it. I am tired of acting like I am perfectly fine playing a stranger in your life when I would give anything to come a few steps closer to you.

I’m not going to pretend not to care anymore. I’m not going to hide my feelings from you. I’m going to lower my guard. I’m going to speak from my heart. I’m going to let you know how much you mean to me, even if you get freaked out, even if you never talk to me again, because you deserve to know you are loved. You deserve to know someone has been thinking about you. You deserve to see yourself the way I see you, even if it’s only for a split second.

I like you. I spent a long time pretending that wasn’t the case, trying to convince you there weren’t any feelings coming from my side, but I am ready to admit that is a lie. I have always liked you. And I’m pretty sure that is never going to change.