I’m Not Good At Sticking Around
By Rania Naim
I’m not good at waiting. I don’t know how to wait patiently anymore. I take waiting as a sign of disinterest and walk away. I’m not good at making excuses, I’m not good at understanding why people take hours or days to call back or why they take weeks or months to make up their minds about you. I’m not good at waiting for a sign. I only know how to run away before I get hurt.
I’m not good at understanding. I don’t understand people who are too busy to talk to someone they like. I don’t understand people who don’t make an effort. I don’t understand people who claim they like you when their actions prove otherwise. I’m not good at understanding why people disappear or why they get distant. I don’t understand why people end things before they even start.
I’m not good at pretending. I don’t know how to act like I’m not bothered or I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not good at playing it cool when I know someone is lying to me. I’m not good at being the bigger person, I don’t know how to forget what someone did to me. I’m not good at pretending like I’m indifferent or stoic because I know I care too much and I know I feel too much.
I’m not good at sticking around because every time I stuck around, I was left alone. I’m not good at sticking around because when I look around me, I see no one.
I’m not good at staying quiet. I can’t leave important words unsaid, I can’t move on without closure, I can’t keep things to myself and I can’t live with unanswered questions. I can’t look at someone knowing I have too much to say and say nothing. I’m not good at playing dumb. I like to use my words and I like to use my voice.
I’m not good at lying. I’m not good at playing games. I’m not good at loving from a distance.
I’ll only stick around when I’m sure about how someone feels, when someone knows how to be honest, when someone knows how to be consistent and when someone makes me feel safe in knowing that if I stick around, they’ll be right by my side, holding my hand.