I’m Not The Girl Who Stays

I am not the girl who stays.

I am never going to be loyal enough or dependable enough for you.

With my emotions, with my honesty, or with my love.

I have never been in love truly and it’s because as fearless as I am in life, I am not fearless when it comes to love. I am terrified. I don’t understand the concept of love. I don’t like the idea of committing myself to one person because in my experience people always change their minds about what they want.

I am not going to let you all the way in. I don’t know how to. I am not going to be vulnerable with you in the ways that matter. I will be intimate with you on the surface but I will never let you know what I really want or how I really feel.

If I let you in, if I trust you all the way, then there are no more secrets.

And without my secrets I don’t know who I’d be.

I am never going to be the girl you need. You need, and deserve, a girl who will look at you with faith and trust in her eyes. A girl who wants you to know everything about her and who wants to build a life with you. You need a girl worthy of your kind heart and protection. A girl who is as optimistic and wide-eyed about every moment like you are. A girl who smiles at your non-stop happiness instead of laughing at your childish mentality.

I know you think I’m that girl and I know you keep trying to assure me I am that girl, but let me assure you I am not. Maybe I could be, but if I’m being honest I doubt it. I know you might even be fine with that, with me not being that idealistic girl, but I don’t know if you should be fine with it.

I know that I am standing in my own way and if I changed just a little I could be happy with you. But little changes lead to big changes and soon I’ll only see myself as the girl you wanted me to be instead of the girl I actually am.

I can be happy on my own just as I am now. I like who I am and what I want. I don’t want to sacrifice myself for you and I don’t want you to make that sacrifice either. We shouldn’t have to justify being with each other, it should just be natural right? Love is supposed to be like breathing. Thoughtless and yet necessary for survival.

Don’t be confused. I want you. I might even be in love with you and your goofy, optimistic nature. I know that you want me too but trust me when I tell you; I am the worst thing for you.

Don’t be confused about who I am and who I’m willing to become. I am scared of things I don’t understand. I don’t understand you and I don’t understand love. I don’t know how we could make a relationship work when those facts are staring and mocking me right in the face.

So let’s not be confused about who you are and who I am. Let’s not be confused about what we each want and how different our futures are from one another.

This is me being honest with you the only way I know how to be. Be honest with me now.