I’m Not Very Good At Letting Go, But It’s Not Like You Make It Easy To

Do you consider yourself lucky that you found someone so accepting of your fleeting affection? Do you realize that not every person would let you back in after you left without a trace? I never expected to see you again, and I had finally thought I found a place where I could become comfortable with that. A place where I learned to accept the impermanence of life and love and a place where I finally began to move on.

But then you came back.

It started off as a slow progression, calculated conversations every couple of days. Nothing too serious, nothing that said: “I am the one who is more interested.” It is so difficult not to be the one more interested.

Once we saw each other again though, it all came flooding back. An intense tidal wave of what could have been had circumstances only been different.

I wish I could say this was all a change in circumstance bringing us together, but unfortunately, we are still playing the same game. It’s your favorite one where you come and take what you need to feel whole again and then move on to the next part of your life, all while I’m left behind wondering why I let it get this far. Again.

I would say that maybe I will learn from my mistakes, but the problem is that I don’t believe any of this is a mistake. I just think you are better at living in the moment than I am. You can enjoy the value of a moment and then blissfully move on to the next, meanwhile I’m stuck there trying to figure out how to make this all last forever.

I’m not very good at letting go.

I like to pretend I am good at moving on, that I’m strong enough to get over it quickly, but I am not nearly as stoic as I like to pretend. I find myself trying so hard to be the one who hurts first in order to save myself from the inevitable, but time and time again I find myself the one left asking, “Why?”.

Why am I attracted to the ones who always leave? Why must I constantly open myself up to those I know are not planning to stay?

I think deep down I always hope that maybe this time will be different. And even though I have not found that time yet, I hope I keep that hope alive until I do. If fate brought you together this time, there’s no telling what could happen in the future.

But what you don’t deserve in your future is being stuck waiting. If they are out living their life, you need to continue living yours. If you have to wonder what you two are, your question is probably already answered. No one who truly wants to be with you will leave you in the dark.

If you wanted me to be yours, I would be.