I’m Sorry For Being Pathetic And Heartbroken


You know that one friend you have that’s just a little bit pathetic? They let their sad feelings spill everywhere and it effects the group dynamic at your weekly brunch? The one that somehow makes every conversation about them and it’s usually depressing? Yeah! That friend!

I’m that friend. I’ve been that friend since November… maybe even longer.

It’s been worse recently. The funny thing is that if you had asked my friends before they would tell you that I was the person who never really felt things and was pretty much always happy and definitely a little crazy. The fun kind… I hope. I think the last few months since turning 25 have been a little hard.

No fuck that, they’ve been downright difficult.I’ve made more changes in the last two months than I have in my entire life.

Then I met someone who made me begin to feel again.

Not just feel the good emotions but also the bad. The problem when you’ve been numb for a while is that when you begin to experience feelings it’s overwhelming, exhausting and overall incredibly scary. So I’m scared. When you’re scared things often come out in weird and wonderful ways. Mostly weird in my case. The feelings of such extreme highs with such extreme lows have made me question everything.

But back to the person who made me feel. I hate him. I hate him so much because I don’t hate him at all. I wrote the ending to our story before it began because I knew how it was going to end.

I stood with my heart in my hand and he said, “No thanks.”

Actually he said it a hell of a lot nicer than that. I want to be mad. I want to hate him. Ultimately I want him to just not exist but life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes people come into our lives to bring us awareness we never had before.

He gave me a gift. Even if he doesn’t know it. He breathed new life into me the second he kissed me. He showed me parts of myself that I’ve wanted to fix for a while and gave me the strength to deal with them head on. Every part of me wants to stop feeling the pain that comes with endings but it’s also giving me a chance to deal with every ending I haven’t dealt with yet.

So I’m mopey. I’m sad. And I’m a little pathetic. I check my phone every 10 minutes hoping there’s a text from him telling me that he made a mistake. That text won’t come though. Because even though with him I was the happiest I’ve been in years, he didn’t feel the same way. When you’re with someone, you both should be able to bring out the best in each other.

I don’t think I brought out the best in him. I think I drained him.

I’ve got a lot of shit in my past that I wanted to leave there for forever but the first second I hung out with him, it’s like every bad thing that’s happened to me had to escape. I word vomited all over him. He was sweet about it but it’s a lot to take in. I know that. My therapist knows that. And now he knows that.

While it didn’t work out for me in the end, I do have a ton of gratitude for him. Even though right now it feels like my heart has been a punching bag for unlimited Jackie Chan kicks and I’m that pathetic friend at brunch, I’ll rebound. Ultimately if you look at everything like a lesson, eventually you’ll learn the right one.

So I’m trying to not be pathetic. And sometimes that’s really all you can do. You never know until you try right?