I’m Sorry We Called You Misogynists, We Meant “Misunderstood”

Hey guys,

I get it. Sometimes when I see objects on the street I have this compulsive need to address them with names, adjectives, or declarative statements I think capture their essence really well — uninvited, of course (because like you, I’m a giver). Like when I see a streetlamp, I’ll usually stare at it real hard for a bit and then go “BOING, oversized Martian match-stick-from-the-future, I could stand under your incandescent light all day!” Behaving like this shows the world we’re creative, prone to giving compliments and also allows us to make sure the vibrating valves of our vocal cords are operating in tip-top condition. They usually are! Yeah, boiiii.

Also, I really admire your appreciation for human anatomy. We have this in common — sometimes I take evening figure-drawing classes in a gymnasium-turned-community ed classroom — but you, you are a scholar. Based on what I’ve observed, I can say without hesitation that you’re definitely a part of that new wave of student-Chiropractors who take to the dance halls to partake in that good old-fashioned-peer-facilitated hands-on learning. Completely understandable. Textbooks and lectures are things of the past, for real. I mean it’s not like a plastic skeleton can tell you that it has already tried cupping to alleviate incessant back pain, right? I can tell by how your hands gravitate aggressively toward a lady’s occipital plate after you’ve graciously offered her a OTC anesthetic (YAY GIN), that you are a man of medicine. So on behalf of all the misaligned and will-be-misaligned spinal cords in this fine metropolitan area, I’d like to personally thank you for the commitment to the craft. Doctor, you are the future.

Last and not least, just want to say that your wide spectrum of interpretation for the English language is inspiring. You’re worldly, dare I say even poetic. I pegged you for that upon realizing my verbal negations were getting lost in translation. Where’s that Rosetta Stone free trial when you nee it, eh? LOL. But you know, this is America. A melting pot. Who am I to assume that English is your first, second, or 18th language just because you’re white and went to Mankato State? My bad, bud. But don’t worry, our little miscommunication forced me to create a global language- spanning chart that conveys words like “yes” and “no” with pictures even my 3 year old nephew could decipher. I’m breaking down language barriers one emoji at a time now. You inspired me to create something groundbreaking. And laminated. So I’m good.

So in closing, I just want to say that I get you. It’s cool. And you know what? Despite what everyone’s saying, you ain’t gotta change for nobody. I think if you dudes have learned anything by now, it’s that it’s not you. It’s us.

P.S. I’m just gonna go ahead and apologize for all of the future times when my forgetting the emoji-chart, nametag or bubble-wrap maxi dress causes any confusion. I’ll try my bestest.

Fist Bump and 40s,

A lady.