I’m Starting To Realize That I Need To Break Before I Can Be Whole Again

When you experience a traumatic event or grief, it’s almost as if the world is in grayscale. Some days are brighter than others, but no matter what you do, it’s just dull. There’s always this heavy weight on your shoulders. I don’t remember the exact day I let that darkness take control, but I know I don’t want it to win.

I always try my best to be strong. To put on a brave face for those around me. When someone hurts me, I still manage to put my pain aside and just try to keep moving forward. And that’s what I want to be known for in the end—for showing strength and compassion, even when my heart’s tired.

Sometimes I just don’t know how to handle the things life throws at me. I try to balance everything, yet one of the pieces falls out of place. Sometimes I’m reminded of something I’ve lost and I get all caught up in it. Suddenly I’m back on the floor, shaking, while it feels like my heart is breaking again and again.

But that’s okay. I think I’m starting to realize I need to break to be whole again. I need to allow myself to feel to be myself again. I finally believe I’m ready to break.

I’m starting to understand that I am allowed to be sad. That I should never apologize for crying or for being vocal about what hurts me. I am allowed to be weak at times when I need to be. I am human, and in the end, no one expects me to be full of positivity all the time. Maybe things would get worse, perhaps even heavier. But now I’ve realized that’s okay. It may knock me down, but I will just get up again. I’ll wake up and realize my heart is strong enough to persevere through anything.

It’s okay to not be over something so quickly. It’s okay to allow yourself valid, legitimate time to heal. It’s okay to see something that reminds you of a person who’s no longer in your life and burst out crying.

I tend to force myself when I’m overwhelmed to do more, move faster, and just keep pushing. I always feel like I have millions of things to do and if I don’t, I’m letting everyone around me down. So I fight through mental and physical exhaustion even when I know very well I should rest. I am trying to learn to relax, to step back and worry about myself too. It’s okay for me to say no to people if I’ve reached my limit, to put myself first. It’s okay if I need a mental health day now and then.

It’s okay to think about sadness and your losses for a moment. Not for forever, but you can’t deny yourself your emotions. You can’t lie to your heart about what’s hiding under the surface, about what is breaking you. That will just lead you on a path of self-destruction and heartache.

It’s okay to not always feel positive, feel strong, feel like you can take on the world.

It’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes you feel weak or tired. The truly beautiful thing about those feelings is that they lead to strength; they lead to growth.