I’m Still Not Okay, But I’m Also Not Going To Let This Breakup Break Me

I said I would never go through another heartbreak again, but here I am. And it’s funny how I’m trying to remind myself of how it was like before, how I was able to overcome it, because I should probably be dealing with it now in a manner that I could already be a pro at, but it’s still the same process, just a different kind of pain. Maybe even worse.

These days, I wake up and go to bed knowing that it’s never going to be the same again. I would be lying if I said that I’m totally okay now, and I’ve fully accepted what happened, because let’s face it, I’m still trying to grasp the damage that has been done. Even though as each day goes by, I am getting better, I hate to admit that it still stings every now and then and I don’t think it’s going to go away anytime soon.

The adventures and misadventures of yesterday will just be plain memories stored on my iPhone, ready to be played whenever I’m on for a cryfest.

I remember being told how crying is like breathing for me. That is true. I am such an emotional person. But that doesn’t mean I am not strong. I have always been and that’s for sure.

That is why I’m sharing this with you. The past two years were clearly the most vibrant years of my life. I experienced so many wonderful things I never thought I would at this age and he had given me so much to look forward to. Even now, it still amazes me how compatible we were. We liked the same things, and we did everything together. I never thought I would find someone who would willingly go and see my favorite bands with me. Ultimately, they became our favorites, together. We were the best of friends, but just like any other kind of ship, we crashed. This time, not together, but separately.

The truth is, behind what seemingly looked perfect are hundreds of misunderstandings and arguments. I couldn’t say that I didn’t see this coming, because we’ve had some episodes in the past where we almost didn’t make it. Maybe I was too confident, but maybe it wasn’t entirely my fault, after all.

That’s one of the things I realized – sometimes, we put all the blame on ourselves and it only makes us feel worse than we already did. But it’s always comforting to know that someone out there, worthy of everything that we could offer, is willing to put up with how difficult we could be, ready to meet our shortcomings and still love us for them. And that’s a hundred times more awesome.

So many questions are still running through my head, all unanswered. It’s silly how after a series of long messages, I’ve still got A LOT to say. But the last thing on my mind would just be another argument. The sad reality is, people are not who we think they are in the first place. The only constant thing in this world is change and we may not like it, but we can’t do anything about it, except to focus on ourselves and move forward to better and brighter things.

The thing is, I honestly don’t know what will happen next. All I know is that there is so much out there in this world, so many stories to be told and music to be heard, places to be seen and songs to sing. And it’s safe to say that I’m now 101% available for it.