I'm Switching Teams. Probably. Maybe Not


In all of my 33 years of life, I have never had a penis in my vagina, unless it happened when I was piss face drunk and don’t remember it, in which case, I hope I never do. The main reason why I’ve chosen to never drive stick is because I have a big time vein phobia and once I learned that a peen gets hard because it fills up with blood, and that it’s just basically a huge vein with hair on it, I was like, “no, thanks.” I became a card-carrying homo at the age of 14 and never looked back, but I’ve for sure veered off the path a few times, you know, just to be “sure.” At this particular point in my life the only thing I’m fairly certain about is that lesbians are crazy, so I am seriously considering making a mid-life attempt to date a dude again. If there are any guys out there reading this right now who are thinking, “great, sounds like a real shit storm,” all I have to say is, “don’t worry about it because everyone sucks anyway.”

I thought it might be interesting for guys to learn about certain male traits or attributes that are so attractive, even a lesbo finds them irresistible. So here’s a  run-down of a few things that will catch my eye about a person, even if they have a nasty blood sausage between their legs.

If you’re Ryan Gosling, that would be pretty cool. He’s super handsome, and I like the facial expressions that he makes. He kind of looks like maybe he grew up on a farm, and knows how to chop wood and stuff. I bet that if you took Ryan Gosling camping you’d wake up and notice him missing from the tent you shared, only to find him sitting on a stump carving a cute little bear out of a chunk of bark for you. You’d be like, “what are you doing?” And he’d be like, “I couldn’t sleep.”

It’s always really attractive when you’re in some sort of position of power; not like being some sort of fancy lawyer or doctor with a bunch of cars and TVs, but something more sophisticated, like being a newspaper man, or popular author of books for a small, but respected publishing house. I would like to have you pick me up for a date and listen to me tell you all about the person who pissed me off at the grocery store/library/laundromat/walking down the street, and have you be like, “I’m gonna write something about them and talk so much shit; but vague shit, you know.”

If you happened to be Sufjan Stevens, I don’t think I’d mind it. Sometimes I listen to Sufjan Stevens on my iPod when I walk to work and daydream about being a backup singer in his band. I could totally see myself standing to the side of him onstage and looking over while he’s all “siiiiiiiiiiingiiiiing,” and then I’m like, “siiiiiiiiingiiiiing,” and we’d be very much in love.

If you have some sort of weird job, like you’re a lumber jack, or you restore old Chevy Novas, or you’re a meat cutter at a boutique butcher shop in Brooklyn,  that would be pretty sexy. I tend to think guys are really attractive if they look like they time traveled here from the ‘50s, or are from the not too distant future, like 2020. We don’t know WHAT the hell is gonna be going on in 2020, but I bet it’s gonna look super cool and be pretty awesome.

So yeah, if you’re Ryan Gosling, Sufjan Stevens, a newspaper man, or are from the past or future, you can date me.

Do you like how none of the things that I mentioned have ANYTHING to do with sex or body parts? Yeah, that’s cuz I’m totes gay.

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