I'm Totally Zen Right Now, Okay?


I’m taking this new approach where, instead of completely losing it the second someone does something heinous and offensive — like chewing with their mouth open or saying “god bless you” rather than the more secularly acceptable “gesundheit” — instead of flipping out, I’m just going to Let It Slide Off Of My Back, as they say; I’m going to find my center and persevere through my negative emotions like a calm, Buddha-type boss.

So in an effort to turn over a new leaf,  I’ve downloaded these serene — wait, why are you grinning? Oh, I get it. You think this is a joke. Because I’m super angry all the time, right? I’m the angry-ass love child of Naomi Campbell and Alec Baldwin on steroids, is what you think. I’m a Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Jesse Jackson, Bill O’Reilly orgy of rage. Is that what I gather? That you think a dash of my ire could blind several small children? Well let me tell you something. Just because you can sometimes hear my teeth mashing together from across the room, even when you’re wearing headphones — not the crappy drug store headphones but like, the expensive, douchey headphones they sell overseas for ~190 Euros — that doesn’t mean I have anger issues. You just have impeccable hearing. So shut up and use it to listen to me — I downloaded these serene meditation podcasts, and they’re going to do wonders for my temperament. I’m going to be zen as hell. Even your berating nature won’t bring me down. Has anyone ever told you have the markings of a judgmental mother-in-law whenever you drink too much caffeine? You should work on that.

Me? I’m totally not getting upset. Who-ho-hoa now, what gave you that idea? My leg is only shaking because I’m low on blood sugar, not because I want to pummel the sh-t eating grin off of your face. I should probably order a juice or something. And no, I’m not frowning. That’s just what my face looks like, all of the time. I have very distinctive eyebrows. No eyebrow threader in a 20-mile radius will even touch ‘em, that’s how prolific these bad boys are. People pay good money for these “angry” eyebrows, what do you think about that? And where is my goddamn juice? How about I pass out in this café right now? That’ll teach these pricks to take their orders — their jobs — seriously. If only we could all flit about a hot, undersized coffee shop and provide mediocre service to the twenty tables we’ve been assigned because our unreliable co-worker called out this morning. I, too, would love to frolic around in a coffee shop all day for minimum wage, if only I weren’t about to go into diabetic shock! Can you believe the — whoa. I’m sorry. I just lost it, didn’t I… it’s because I almost forgot my new mantra. It’s, “Keep Calm and Carry On.” Have you heard of it? I think it’s new or something. I bought this journal that reads, “Keep Calm and Carry On” on the front of it, and whenever I get a little feisty I just jot down some soothing thoughts and you know what? I do keep calm — and carry on. It works!

Check it out. So on Tuesday, I was walking down the sidewalk and some dude stepped on the back of my shoe — and I can’t be sure, but I think it was intentional. Well, I almost let loose on the guy. I mean, when did you learn how to walk? Serious question. I was one. A one-year-old. Is it then out of line to expect that someone who’s — by my estimation — knocking on forty’s door, to know how to walk without barbarically trampling a woman on Madison Avenue? You and I, both totally reasonable people, know the answer to that hypothetical. So of course, I let him know — quite loudly I might add — that I found it both sad and amusing that he has the motor skills of a brain-damaged sloth, that he should maybe delay thinking all of the undoubtedly “complex” and “deep” thoughts he was thinking and focus on like, walking like a normal person, and then I stopped into the closest Starbucks and took out my journal, and I wrote “Breathe. Let it go.” See? It’s right there with the date and all. And I was totally fine after that! This whole meditation thing is really working for me. I hope someday you can find the same inner peace I’ve found. Seems like you could benefit from chilling out a little. Bikram later?

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