I’m Your Peloton Bike And I’m Here To Help You Navigate This Pandemic

Yes, that’s it! You’re almost there! Only two more miles to go! You are on FIRE. (Nothing compared to the fiery turmoil the world is facing with COVID-19, but hey, you’re totally on track to getting that summer bod.)

You know, I just think it’s funny. Remember two months ago when you made your New Year’s resolution to get super fit and all your friends just laughed in your face? Remember when you told them you spent the rest of your savings account on me and they stopped laughing and just looked at you and then at each other and then at the floor? Well, look who’s laughing now!

Man, the disdain in their voices when you told them the news back then.

“That’s such a waste of money, Stacey…”

“You need to get out of the house more…”

“Just go to the gym like a normal person…”

“You’re only a server, how can you even afford that thing?”

You knew better than to listen to them. Your foresight was 20/20. All their gyms closed indefinitely, but it’s me and you against the world now, baby!

Aw yeah, feel the burn. By the way, sorry about your serving job. Don’t take the whole “filing for unemployment” thing too negatively. You didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, you sucked at small talk, but let’s be real, EVERYONE is filing for unemployment these days. Also you always wanted to quit. Think of it as a self-care vacation.

There are so many plus sides to this whole pandemic right now. You finally get the peace and quiet you’ve so longed for. You can wake up whenever you feel like it. And you get the luxury of choosing from over 90 live classes a week and 20+ instructors, dedicated to giving you all the options in fitness you could ever ask for!

Not to mention all the quality time we’ll have! Look at it this way: It’s me or Infinite Jest. Who are you kidding? You’ll dust that off just as soon as you pick up Moleskine #6 and Micron pen #20 and start writing your memoir. As your new best friend, I’m going to be completely honest with you: No one cares about your restaurant insider tell-all. We’ve all waited in college at some point. Sure, the story about the angry martini lady who threw the olives at you is good for a laugh or two, but you know what’s better? Topping that leaderboard with that sick new endurance you’re about to build.

Think about it: With barely any food in the pantry except Top Ramen and Luna bars, give or take some frozen Trader Joe’s meals, you’re about to drop some serious lbs in no time. Your friends might all be quarantined, but you know who isn’t? Top bike instructor Mikayla Sandiego, that’s who! Also, she won’t criticize you for your screen time going up 30% this week and the sheer amount of people on Hinge you’ve contacted. No, all she’s concerned about is those reps!

I know you’re a bit concerned with how you’re about to make ends meet over the next couple months, but I want you to focus on three things for now:

1. Your legs

2. Your arms

3. Your core

Remember, Stacey. We’re in this together. Home quarantine and elliptical bikes really aren’t so different. Because as much progress you think you’re making, you’re still not going anywhere.