In Defense Of Dick Pics

I’m willing to bet my entire life savings ($200) that 97% of people who like guys have either sent or been sent a dick pic. Politicians are sending dick pics. Your professors are sending dick pics. Here’s the scenario: you’re talking to a new guy and suddenly (whether you ask for it or not), here comes a dick pic. It can be exciting if you’re into that type of thing. But it’s also a way to close the distance if your partner lives far away.

That said, there are plenty of folks out there who don’t like getting dick pics and who think it’s crazy, low-class, gross, or just plain stupid. Like this guy. But, ugh, whatever to those Puritanical people. In our age of social networking, text messages and picture phones, why is anyone surprised or offended that people are sending pics of their privates? Like, most of the Internet is porn, everybody has a smartphone with video/photo capability, most everyone likes sex so OF COURSE people are going to send xxx pics to each other.

I love dick pics. I have never sent one of my own, not because I’m above it but mostly out of fear that someone will recognize me or avenge me and be all OMG THIS GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. I am not trying to get on that Anthony Weiner tip.

That said I have been the beneficiary of many a dick pic in my lifetime.

And I’ve seen them all: small, H-U-G-E, oddly shaped, etc.

The story I always tell that captures the mood of the dick pic is that my best girlfriend and I were straight chillaxin’ in our favorite bar in SoHo when she showed me the dick pic of some guy she just stated dating, a magazine editor at a big Condé Nast magazine.

We’re sitting at the bar.

“I just started dating this guy,” she tells me.

“How’s the sex!” I ask immediately.

And then she’s all, “Omg, let me show you his dick!”

I was so excited to see it and she was so excited to show me.

W.o.w., but actually. The thing fills up the whole screen. It’s fat, circumcised, plump, and I am here for it. I hope I get to meet him one day so I can be like, “Hi, I’m madison and I know your dick is HUGE lol.”

I think there’s a myth out there that girls don’t like receiving dick pics. But, ladies, is this true? I mean my girlfriend seemed pretty excited to show me this, in public at a bar, right in front of the bartender who has probably heard this exact conversation play out several times in the course of his bar tending career.

All I know is that in the gay male sexual economy, a dick pic is worth an immediate hook-up. It’s almost as if a guy won’t hook up with you unless and until he sees the dick pic, I guess proof that you are who you say you are.

Of course, the problem with this system is that there are people out there known as “picture collectors” who simply collect pics of the biggest dicks they can find on Craigslist and all throughout the Internet and pass these dicks off as their own. To me this is the greatest problem facing society today. People passing off dicks that are greater than what they are born with ought to be stoned. Imagine you show up to a hook up, having just seen a pic of a fabulous dick, and you get there and the dick you’re faced with is crooked, bleeding and without a head. SHUT IT DOWN.

I’m not size-shaming, mostly because it doesn’t matter how big or small it is. The only thing that matters is if you know how to use what you’ve got.

All told, dick pics are relatively harmless if sent in moderation. It’s a way of showing someone what they’re stepping into, plus it gives them something to fantasize about when you’re not there. If you’re dating a guy and you live in New York and he lives in a whole different state, he might send you a dick pic as a way to say, “Hey, I’m thinking about you. Hurry up and get home because this dick misses you :)” And, aww, that’s pretty cute, no?