In Losing You, I Lost Myself

I fought so hard to keep you. I wanted so badly for you to be in my life. In fact, I ignored red flags that were obviously there. I turned a shoulder to things that should have been obvious. I made excuses for you. All because I wanted you to stay in my life.

I was there when nobody else was. And in hindsight, I shouldn’t have done any of the things I did to keep you. I should have let you go months ago. You took up too much of my precious time.

But in losing you, I lost myself.

But realistically, I lost myself while I still had you.

I lost myself when you would give me endless attention one day, then ignore me the next. I lost myself when you would cancel plans at the last minute. I lost myself when I found myself trying to get your attention in a million ways.

I lost myself the second we began. You took everything I had and swallowed me up. You made me hate myself. And the only person that I could hate more was you.

You don’t lose yourself overnight. You lose yourselves in pieces. You lose yourself when you find yourself constantly questioning every decision you make. You lose yourself when you cry yourself to sleep. When you wake up feeling sick to your stomach, but still plaster on a smile.

I gave you up when I realized you only made me sadder. You no longer made me happy, when once you did. For so long. Giving you up wasn’t easy.

I felt as if I had lost such a big piece of my world. The part of my world that held everything together. And for a bit, I wondered how I could manage without you. But suddenly, weeks turned into months without you.

And I realized that I was actually okay without you. I don’t miss you. Well, maybe a little. But not the new you.

I miss the person I once knew. But that person is gone.

In losing you, I lost myself. But in leaving you, I came back.