Inner Monologue Of A Manchild With A High-Paying Job

The funny thing is that now that I have a big person job I end up just buying video games. I mean, they’re awesome games. Call of Duty 7. Red Dead Redemption. Not the kinds of games you’d buy for your nephew, that’s for sure. The thing is though is that I’m 25, and I have enough money to buy any piece of Ikea furniture I want or any of the sweet gaming chairs that vibrate all crazy when you get shot and I can even order pizza — hell, three pizzas — whenever I feel like it because I’m absolutely killing it every day. If I weren’t so modest I’d probably stash some cash under my mattress but Becky would call me “pretench” (her code for pretentious) and roll her eyes and pull out her gum with her finger before letting it snap back in and all that usual girl stuff.

Consulting isn’t an easy gig, especially at a place like McKinsey, but it sure beats failing with my band or writing the first three sentences of the Great American Novel before deciding to head to bed after a quick porno clip or whatever. The thing about consulting is that I can afford a Mr. Skin account now too, which is obviously awesome because you don’t even have to go to the movies for the good parts, you can just see Marisa Tomei’s knockers or whatever and save yourself the boringness of plot.

I’m not exactly creating a product every day — like a song or a story or whatever — but I am helping some pretty awesome companies do some pretty awesome stuff. Sometimes I don’t much like to think about it like when we’re helping McDonalds enter markets in Southeast Asia and I know these people don’t really need more of our stuff, or like when we were consulting with BP on public perception management, but it’s fine. I play Temple Run on my iPhone so I don’t have to think about it when I’m on the train to Midtown. Bing – Bing – Bing! High score! And we’ve arrived at Chambers Street station! See didn’t think about it once. Steady as she goes!

Plus, when I get home, I have all those awesome Xbox games I was telling you about just waiting for me, so it goes Temple Run then Call of Duty, with just enough time to order a pizza in between and I don’t even have to think about anything else. Work is where I’m miserable, but coming home is the best. So it’s all good. Well, I guess it’s mostly all good, because work is 12 hours a day. I get to do some amazing travelling though. But that’s all weekend. So it’s sort of amazing.

Business class flying is really the best. You should try it if you haven’t already. There was a really enlightening article on places Joan Rivers likes to eat when she’s in L.A. in American Way magazine. They interviewed her and tried her favorite hamburger place and everything. Can’t wait to go next time I have an engagement in L.A. for The Firm. Plus I stay in the best hotels. Did you know there’s a W Hotel in every major city and the receptionist at every one knows your name? They know all the repeat clients and it really makes the hotel feel like another home. They’ll order you whatever you want and once in a while Becky will fly out but usually she can’t make it.

Her blog is doing really well recently. She even got retweeted by that writer guy Tao Lin and Oprah’s best friend Gael. Crazy, right? I dunno, things aren’t going all that great with her anyway. She keeps telling me she wants the man in the suit with all the confidence. That’s not really me though. I hate that version of me. I mean it is me for 68 hours a week, 50 weeks a year, but the rest of the time it’s not.

Anyway, I’m not going to reflect on that too much. What would be the point? I’m killing it in my job, and I’ve got everything I want. Besides, my Xbox doesn’t play itself. So psyched for the new Call of Duty!