Inner Monologue Of A Person Making A Green Smoothie

Step one: Wash and chop kale. Paid like $2 for this giant bundle, which seems like a bargain, right? Now I just have to use it instead of letting it rot in the fridge, which is usually how I roll with produce. Chop up a lot but don’t cut your fingers off, you kitchen klutz.

Step two: Dump kale, some strawberries and an avocado in the blender. Avocados are supposed to make you pretty, I think. Healthy fats!

Step three: Blend. On my roommate’s ancient blender (which is actually the second-best blender I’ve ever used), I like to hit ALL the buttons. Chop, blend, puree, grind … over and over again. I might as well have fun with this green smoothie shit. Repeat the process to make sure all that sneaky kale is chopped up into teeny tiny unnoticeable bits.

Step four: Take a minute to reflect on how much I hated vegetables as a child. I still refuse to eat lettuce and carrots – oh God, carrots can burn in hell. In my younger years of picky eating, I learned how to eat around celery in pasta salad, which is one of my greatest talents. (At holiday gatherings, my aunts make small versions of pasta salads sans celery just for me. It’s a texture thing.)

Step five: Rummage around in the fridge for other healthy shit to dump in this thing, which is now a putrid shade of greenish-brown sludge. Add a little lemon. Splash in some Naked juice, even though Pepsi owns it and it’s full of sugar and not healthy at all. I am not fooled by your marketing, Naked!

Step six: Crash up some ice in blender. Done! Pour in glass, add straw.

Step seven: Suck that shit down! Oh, it’s kinda good! It’s REALLY good. I can’t even taste anything leafy or green in it, just creamy avocado and strawberries.

Step eight: Finish drink. Drink the remainder. Wash blender immediately so green shit doesn’t stick on there for days. I learned my lesson last time.

Step nine: Run to mirror. I’m glowing, beautiful and thin now! Look at how healthy I am. I just crammed so many vitamins into my body and did not gag while doing it. I’m perfect. I can already FEEL myself getting skinnier. My skin is radiant. My hair is cascading in shiny waves. You can see it too, right? That green smoothie just enhanced my health 3000% percent.

Step ten: Where are my Cheetos?