It’s High Time We Update The Sexual Bases

What does “getting to 3rd base” mean to you?

The way you answer that question says a lot about your upbringing, your character, but most of all, your age.

In polite company, where sexually graphic gossip about recent carnal conquests is inappropriate, it’s vital to have a solid go-to euphemism. The baseball metaphor, though antiquated, is still universally regarded as the standard.

When I was a kid, 1st base was making out.

And, while the definitions for 2nd and 3rd bases varied slightly depending on social standing and geography (there was some city-vs.-suburb, east-coast-vs.-west-coast discrepancy), everyone knew that a “home run” meant sex. Straight up, good old-fashioned penis-in-vagina bone dancing.

However, today’s generation is a new breed of lightning-paced, attention-deficient, instant-gratification-seeking, sexually-charged, Frappucino-chugging spaz sluts.

When we consider that the average 12 year old these days is snorting Adderall, day trading online, and hosting blowjob parties, I think we can all agree that the old model is obsolete.

I spent time polling high school and college students from across the country, and after much research, have settled on a consensus, which accurately reflects the conduct and behavior of our youth.

To wit, I offer this NEW model of the “bases” updated for 2014:

1st Base : Furious finger-blasting

2nd Base: Anal sex gangbang

3rd Base: Marriage

Home Run: Amicable divorce