I’ve Decided I Want To Be Happy Again

I know the pain of living in the dark for too long. A time where not seeing the end of the road seems like the better way to go than continuing to try to feel some stupid emotion we strive to achieve every single day.

But when I started getting out of bed quicker and really — I mean really — took the time to look around me and see what I had the whole time, I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that I wasted so much of it feeling so sad.

So, it’s time. I’ve decided I want to be happy again.

And I don’t mean the fake kind of happy that I used as a horrible disguise months ago. The one where my smile and laugh wouldn’t match the rest of my face. A face that wanted nothing more than to be headfirst in her covers, surrounded by darkness, rather than to be out with friends, finding comfort with gin sours and rum and cokes.

I want to be happy, I want to be so happy.

I want to be so happy that the sun is afraid to come out of the clouds during the day because my happiness is so bright it makes it jealous.

I want to be so happy that my smile practically comes off my face and can be shared with others because the happiness I feel would be unfair to keep all to myself.

I want to be so happy that I never have to have my mom worry about me again. I know she always will, but our time together can be spent laughing and catching up instead of crying on her shoulder and shutting her out.

I want to be so happy that going out for drinks with friends on a Friday night is no longer meant as a crutch or distraction, but a time to build lasting memories that I can hopefully remember by the end of the night.

I want to be so happy that I no longer feel the need to be nostalgic for the past and instead be ready for the future and in love with the present.

I want to be so happy that screaming from rooftops won’t be enough to express how I feel.

I want to be so happy that I switch out crying when I go for walks to dancing along the sidewalk. Every car that passes me by will look at me weird, but I won’t bother looking because I’ll be admiring the sunset, and how it looks like a painting you want to touch in a museum, even though it says not to.

I want to be so happy that going to breweries and wineries with my two best friends will no longer bring up bad times with people who used to be in my life. Because I still have the people who mean the most to me standing here in front of me, who take me out into the town, blasting throwback music through the speakers as we sing back every single lyric through the open windows.

I want to be so happy that the words “Dead End” are only meant for a sign at the top of a road and not where my life is going.

I want to be so happy that the boy who makes getting out of bed easier knows that my smile has never felt more real since I met him.

I want to be so happy that I forget what it feels like to feel so broken.

I know it won’t happen overnight — no miracles ever do. But I’m getting closer and closer every day, and that’s enough to keep me going.