In Orgasm, I Reveal Myself

I’m 23, and I’ve had sex with six people. Two were long-term relationships; two were flings, one was a great fuck buddy, and the last was a one-night stand and the worst sex I’ve ever had.

I must have fooled around with at least ten others, but it’s just not the same if it’s not sex.

I consider myself sexually open; I’m mostly comfortable with my body and my sexual desires, which are not always neatly mainstream. I firmly believe that in sex, we out to let our “freak flags” fly: if you’re going to get naked with another person, fuck your inhibitions (pun intended) and just do what makes you happy. In sex, there’s no such thing as “weird” to me. There’s only stuff I’m willing or not willing to do. Fortunately, most my partners have shared my outlook.

That said, I have never had an orgasm with another person that’s as good as I have with myself, and the reasons might not be physical. Some of my partners have been patient and happy to learn what I like (which, again, is not always mainstream,) and I usually walk away satisfied. But, you know how there’s a difference between just an orgasm, a good orgasm, and a HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU AND LIFE RIGHT NOW orgasm? I’ve never had the latter with someone else.

I’ve been paying a lot of attention to what goes through my mind during and orgasm, not because I can’t shut off my head, but because I’m so curious to understand myself. Just like I have “okay” and “good” orgasms with others, I also have them with myself. The HOLY SHIT ones are really rare, and as I hinted before, it comes down to my mindset. It’s really hard for me to let go of everything, even in the privacy of my own home, with nobody around. When I’m getting myself off, I pay attention to the mindframe I get into. Sometimes, it’s along the lines of one of my kinks: being dominated, being with someone older, teaching someone inexperienced, and other stuff I’m into. Sometimes it’s just a “I need to get off before I head out to do stuff.”

95% of the time, I find myself restraining in orgasm. I just can’t let go. I’m cuming –- it feels physically great, and somehow fatalistic; very tragic at the same time. I feel deeply ashamed, not because I’m masturbating, but because I think something is fundamentally fucked up with me. I have no religious upbringing. I’m open and happy with my sexuality. And yet, I can’t open up.

However, 5% of the time –- and always by myself –- I let myself get swept up by my fantasies, and I live them. It’s never a conscious choice. I think it’s a matter of what my mindset is that day, and I haven’t learned to control it; I don’t know if I ever will. That’s when I have the HOLY SHIT orgasms. I’m enveloped by my desires, I surrender to the overwhelming sensation of my satisfaction, and I accept all the dirty, crazy, wild facets of my fantasies and my imagination. Strange, right? I believe in being open and accepting of any sexual desires, and yet I can only rarely do so with the strictest critic of all -– myself.

If you’ve made it this far, you might be guessing whether I’m a guy or a girl. It doesn’t matter. I know men and women achieve their sexual release in different ways, but your mental blocks and intensifiers are there regardless. The existential side of orgasm is universal.

When I have a HOLY SHIT orgasm, I reveal myself fully. I feel deeply satisfied, not just physically, which is commonly the case, but intensely, spiritually. I show a glimpse of my real, imperfect, twisted, ambitious self. I’ve maybe approached that with partners -– partners I really loved –- but I’ve never gotten there. Have you?