Jersey Shore: Snooki Snooks Herself


Curse you, television scheduling Gods! How could you air a special Monday night episode of Jersey Shore when you know I already have to recap Intervention? Thankfully, watching this episode wasn’t as painful as the others have been. We were finally given a respite from the Sammi and Ronnie drama to examine Snooki’s developing alcoholism, which although tragic, is a lot more entertaining to watch than those two making moody eyes at each other.

Time moves by so languidly at the Jersey Shore house, doesn’t it? The days bleed into nights with no sense that there’s been any real passing of time. But I guess that’s what happens when you are paid to essentially go to the gym, tan, do laundry, binge drink, and possibly have sex. It’s like living in your own wasted version of Groundhog’s Day. If the gang deviated from any of these activities and became functioning members of society, it would probably lead to less interesting situations. So, go ahead! Pop that champagne, spray that tan, and fold the laundry. You’ve got television gold to make.

The episode begins on a rare logical note with Sammi admitting that she’s mentally fucked up from Ronnie’s mind games. Remember the sea of light that absorbed into Sammi’s brain? It’s still inside of her and it’s making her like she has some semblance of self-worth. Sammi tells Ronnie that she knows what he did in Miami and he better fess up to her…about the things she already is claiming to know. Hmm. Maybe not so logical, but whatevs. The Jersey shore wasn’t built in a day! Ronnie gets pissed at her for slowly coming to her senses and starts to wonder if the mind control spell he performed on Sammi in Miami is slowly losing its effect.  It should be working fine. He followed the instructions on the box and everything. He mashed up some sedatives in her tuna melt so she would have a deep sleep. Once she appeared to be knocked out, he fed her the scorpions he purchased in Costa Rica and recited all of the chants correctly. Where had he gone wrong with it?

Ugh, who cares? Let’s not talk about them anymore because they suck. Just know that Sammi apologized to Snooki and Deena for being such an insane bitch and they made up. Oh, and then Sammi and Ronnie got wasted at Karma and sort of reconciled. So I guess the mind control ritual wasn’t defective after all. Huzzah!

Anyway, on to more important things like Snooki’s raging alcoholism. She starts the episode by trying to sleep with Vinny again, but he feels gross about it because she’s so drunk and turns her down. Let it be noted that The Situation would do the opposite. With his wrinkled red flesh and smarmy attitude, he would descend upon an intoxicated girl with glee. He has such a sexual predator vibe. Does anyone else pick up on it?

The next night, Snooki continues on her bender when the gang goes to Karma. After falling down repeatedly on the main floor, she and Jwoww take over a closed off area upstairs to dance, scream at each other for no apparent reason and, in Jwoww’s case, pee behind the bar. It’s a wild drunken night for everybody actually. Vinny has sex with a random girl, Pauly D gets a drink thrown in his face, Jwoww freakdances with an ex-boyfriend. These kids are in rare form tonight! Actually, this is pretty normal.

The next morning, Snooki arrives to work hungover wrapped in a blanket and still wearing her dress from the night before. Even though she’s clearly not feeling well, she decides to steal a beer from the work freezer and drink it in the bathroom, not wanting the party to end apparently. She then leaves work under the guise of getting coffee to take shots with fifty-something couples at a bar down the boardwalk and by the time Jwoww and Deena meet up with her, she’s wasted and falling all over the place. The girls try to chill her out but it’s clearly mission: impossible at this point. Snooki starts running down the boardwalk asking where the beach is even though it’s clearly right in front of her, and when she reaches the sand, she falls down on her face and needs to be held up by an annoyed Jwoww.  If you’ve watched the previews and/or read any tabloid this summer, you already know that she gets arrested. The sight of a drunk pint-size Snooki being taken away in handcuffs is both hilarious and sad, kind of like the show itself.

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